Yesterday I talked about overlooking friendships. I said that not so long ago I’d asked myself:
“If I can’t see the love extended towards me from those around me, how can I know it and receive it from God?”
This question opened my eyes to many things.
When we live steeped in addictions and co-dependence true friendship doesn’t always stand out. It takes a growth in integrity to begin to recognise those that give without trying to getsomething from you. And often when we’ve been used to co-dependence it can feel vulnerable and strange to begin to enter relationships based on love and humility.
I often find myself feeling exposed or insecure or stupid when I can’t ‘control’ the way others will perceive me through projections or addictions in the way that I used to.
As I let the real me speak, the child in me identifies risk.
All of the times as a child that I was made fun of, or judged, or rejected, or just not approved of when being myself taught me to play it ‘safe’ and hide myself in gradually increasing increments. I replaced these ‘self-parts’, my ‘whole-heart’, my ‘true-ness’ with parts I thought would please everyone, until one day (not so long ago) I realised that my heart was closed off and I had lost the ability to sincerely love and to be loved.
It’s hard to let love into a heart that is walled off by fake parts. And as I tear down the barricade I often find myself overwhelmed with emotion. When love reaches behind the façade it is such a contrast to the loneliness my true self had grown accustomed to, that I often melt into tears.
So I’ve learnt that sometimes friendship requires bravery. Sometimes it means taking a step that feels risky. It means taking down the walls and opening up to the possibility of love once again. It means having the courage to grieve as well as be real.
I see the same thing reflected in my relationship with God.
Have you ever realised that you overlooked a true friend in favour of an addictive relationship?
Thank you Mary for your reflections on friendship! I so appreciate you sharing what you are discovering. It resonates with much in my soul, and for that I am grateful! I also realise I have not 'dug' deep enough and searched enough in my 'wonderings' and reflections about many subjects, I wonder but don't always explore. Thank you agian! Love Eloisa
On Eloisa's point….I realised from reflecting on your book group leadership and AJs presentations how thorough you both are and I asked myself why I'm not prepared to do the same because I tend to flit from one thing to another, rarely staying with something to its completion or my satisfaction. Still exploring that one but it feels like a lack of commitment to me and a willingness to do another's agenda…..because……I also feel I've rarely if at all had any real friendships to speak of because I'm so afraid of being hurt and being let down. I definitely feel that just offering myself is not a good enough bargain.