Anna and I shared a beautiful conversation on Tuesday. Between her planting and me processing we happened upon a magic window in which we talked about letting go of being the ‘good girl that everyone approves of’, our fears of feeling alone, and how much we love God. I received this message from her today and I thought it too beautiful not to pass on.
I had a nice time talking to you yesterday. I know you’re probably really busy, but I wanted to share this with you, as it’s kind of an extension to what we were talking about.
Last night after I got home, I sat in the shed (all alone!) with the candles on, listening to Amy Grant. And I prayed to God from the real place in my heart. Prayed to Help me to want my self, my true self, despite the conflict this brings up inside of me. Teach me to be brave, and return to my childhood vulnerability and humility. To remain true to myself and to my relationship with you, no matter what anyone in the outside world thinks or feels or does.
I cried as I connected back to the glory that I have come to know as God.
But it’s not easy for me at the moment. I have just begun to notice that most of the thoughts in my head are me looking at myself as I think another person see’s me. I’m not connected to how I feel, I’m connected to what other people see and feel about me – really, how my parents felt and saw. I’m constantly having to stop myself and try to block, then dig beneath these thoughts, to find my own humility.
This morning I realised that the same addiction that is driving these thoughts (wanting people to see me as great, so then they will envy, or love me) is in play in my relationship with God. For, in trying to present myself as more ‘loveable’ than I am, or feel, has meant that I cannot connect with neither myself or God, because I’m not really me.
This brings me to my analogy about the seed that my spirit friends helped me to see this morning.
I’m a seed. A little seed. Full of potential, but to say I am a tree yet, would be untruthful. To see myself as me is vital, because I can’t grow if I’m trying hard to not be the little seed I am. Rather than denying I’m a little seed, and proclaiming, “I’m a plant! Can I’ve some Love now everyone!?”, it’s going “Hey God, I’m a little seed, and I want to grow, can you please help me grow?”
To grow, I must;
- Sit in the truth of who I am.
- Desire Love from this place (including learning to love myself, as a little seed)
- Release the false belief that to be loved I have to be a tall, impressive plant.
Just wanted to share that with you Mary. I feel it’s going to be really important for my growth from here.
Hope you, and AJ are feeling good today. : )
Lots of Love,
So very real & beautiful Anna. I too have thoughts & conversations in my head about other peoples perceptions of me. It is keeping me so far from myself & God. Something felt wrong & limiting by this behaviour, I would see saw between my thoughts & how I actually felt. Usually, I am in a social environment where I stay instead of leaving to feel what is really going on for me. I'm afraid of the comments & judgement "oh what's wrong with her?" coming from people that don't really care to know me. Thankyou Mary for sharing. This blog is such a gift, always revealing some hidden error & injury within me.Hugs & loveLinda
Thank you Anna, such a clear heartful insight…I have really been noticing how much I live in the same sort of thing….like a mental soap opera, staring me…Then I laugh and say to God…."Can you believe me?…what a load of old rubbish" I realized that it is my criticism of myself that sets me up to try to justify or exonerate myself…I don't have the foggiest notion of how other people see me, or if they even bother…When I am so judgemental of myself I am also out of Truth with how God sees me, and that sabotages my desire to know Truth…which I keep praying for.Your clarity is creative and beautiful…I love the notion of being a seedling…it cuts to the heart of it all…Love Suzanne
This is awesome Anna and Mary, thanks for sharing! I am flapping around with this new truth about being a seed and realizing how much I have invested in 'the kind of tree I will be' and 'the tree I think I am' … and also the tree I think I am is the tree my Mum wanted me to be. It's fantastic I can grow with God and become whatever I want now.. and the oak won't need to compare itself to the bamboo because each has its own beautiful purpose, and neither would work as the other. God can nourish me far better than my parents ever did… This is the belief I need to challenge now. Love you sisters, x