My life took an unexpected turn when I met a man who claimed to be Jesus. It wasn’t his claim that so stunned and surprised me. (I’d met interesting characters before) The surprise was that I began to have a very intense and emotional experience of remembering him and a life we had had together that spanned the first century and many years together in spirit.
This knowledge didn’t come to me as a sudden bolt of lightning bolt nor as a mystical spirit guided adventure. It was more like a series of gut-wrenching, terrifying, emotional experiences – similar to the re-experience of suppressed trauma. At the time these feelings were totally confusing and seemingly unrelated to my current life in any way.
Prior to this my life had not been noted for its spiritual pursuits or enlightened status, but neither, I believe, had I been regarded as very ‘flaky’, prone to whimsical flights of fancy or bizarre metaphysical experience.
It was really all quite unexpected.
So AJ (Jesus) and I didn’t start our relationship with a whirlwind romance nor did I feel any sense of excitement to realise who I was. It was actually nearly the exact opposite. I was shocked, challenged, and afraid of my feelings and what they meant.
I got angry.
I couldn’t deny my experience but boy did I try! I thought I had my life figured out and yet now there were deeper things stirring in me and even with time and distance from AJ (which I have taken many times since we met) I couldn’t deny that I now wanted more from life than what I’d had before and that if I was going to live with deeper meaning I would have to resolve who I was.
Now four years later, I still grapple to come to terms with who I am and what that means on a grander scale. These intense emotional experiences continue today and as I allow them, more understanding and insight comes to me. I feel grateful and in love with AJ but life doesn’t yet feel completely simple. Actually, I’m no where near simple clarity on life yet. (smile)
I am so passionate about what we teach – I believe it is the answer to living at our fullest potential as human beings – yet many times I still want the issue of our identities to go away. It’s a desire that does me no service. For if we are to experience this true potential, to become the amazing beings God created us to be, we will each of us have to come to terms with who we truly are. That means connecting with what we desire and love, but also with what we have experienced in the past. And this truth counts for me as much as it does for anyone else.
So my challenge is to live these teachings in the truest and fullest way I can. This means humility to whatever comes along, including this experience, these emotions and knowledge of a former life on earth and in spirit, that are so much a part of me.
That often makes me feel crazy. Sometimes I want to hide.
But lately I want to share my heart for God and the beauty we may find in a relationship with our Creator.
So if you are new to this blog, I’m sure if you read the archives you will feel my struggle, and sense my distress at times when I’ve been less humble and projected my need outwards. I started to blog because I was writing anyway – volumes and volumes of thoughts and reflections as I grappled to come to terms with this massive life change. Someone guided me to feel that perhaps sharing these things would be valuable to others. But I’m not sure if it hasn’t all really been to help me work through my fears. 🙂
I have no doubt that what and how I share will continue to change as I continue to change and grow.
My feeling now is that a story becomes meaningful as it unfolds, that no single point in the narrative is as significant as the deeper meaning inherent in the journey. So perhaps you will forgive my less graceful moments in prose and join me on a journey?