I recently received an email from an acquaintance asking me about the causes of lung cancer. Her mother died of lung cancer and my acquaintance was concerned that she may share the same emotions that created the disease in her mother.
I thought that others may benefit from the explanation of the disease which Jesus assisted me to write. I think that this story also gives some insight into why many of us hold onto co dependent relationships and don’t confront unloving issues in ourselves or the people around us.
I have removed the names and some of the identifying details.
How lovely to hear from you.
Thank you for your very kind comments about The Sleep State video. It certainly was a challenging talk to give but I’m glad that people can gain something from it now.
From your email it sounds like you are writing to us because events and people in your life are causing you to think more seriously about this cancer issue and you have questions about what causes it. And that that very persistent guide of yours that you mentioned is attempting to have you look at what is happening for you in lots of areas of your life?
I always feel so grateful and amazed about the way that the Law of Attraction brings clues, triggers and at times what feels like loud speaker notifications (smile) about what we need to look at in our lives. It isn’t always comfortable but I have come to see it as an incredible gift.
So at the moment the Law is obviously working to have you question the causes of your Mum’s cancer. And Jesus & I both agree that you do have many of the same emotions within you that created her cancer so releasing these emotions and making some changes in your life now is going to help to prevent you from developing the same illness.
In a nutshell, lung cancer is caused by the angry demand that, if you work for others, then they should help you to avoid your grief.
Your Mum had a lot of grief from her childhood and from events throughout her life that she didn’t want to experience. In addition, she had the injured belief that she was entitled to expect the people around her (you, your brother and especially her husband) to support her to avoid her grief, as long as she worked hard and did a lot for you in return. This was the “barter” system or “payment” method that she thought was just and loving. The dynamic she set up in the family was “I’ll work for you as long as you help me to avoid how sad I am.”
Your Dad, who was the primary person she demanded this kind of support to avoid grief from, was willing to go along with that for most of their marriage because he wants a woman to take care of all the ‘hard things’ that he doesn’t want to deal with. Your Mum was willing to do those things but only in return for his support to avoid her grief. Your Mum tolerated a lot of bad, unloving behaviour from your Dad mainly just because she wanted this one addiction met.
Obviously, as you would have seen as their marriage went on, there were times when this ‘arrangement’ (technically, it is a co dependence between them) didn’t work for them. One of them didn’t supply what the other expected and so they become angry with the other, or they involved one of their kids (you or your brother) in trying to meet their demand. Instead of getting the demand met from their partner they substituted one of the children for their partner. This is why your Dad now relies on you to do ‘hard things’ that he feels he shouldn’t have to do and why your brother took on the role of ‘looking after’ your Mum’s sadness at times. This means that you are now required to look after your Dad’s demands, this actually makes you very sad.
Also, over time, your Mum naturally became tired and angry about always having to do the work her husband was unwilling to do and having to put up with many unloving acts and behaviour on his part. However she was never willing to confront him on the lack of equity in what he expected of her, versus what he expects of himself because your Mum wasn’t willing to give up her emotional belief that she shouldn’t have to cry, grieve and feel about all the loss that has happened in her life. So Mum had addictions like your Dad but Dad’s addictions are just more obvious. (I feel she is doing better with feeling her sadness since she passed, and in part I think that she is now trying to help you to see what happened for her so that you can deal with those same issues – because both she and your Dad taught you to have them – while you are still on earth).
Over time your Mum gave up on trying to have your Dad make her sadness go away (as you know your Dad added to a lot of her sadness) but her involvement in the family business meant that a lot of other people looked up to her and respected her and this helped her avoid a lot of her sadness with your father and her sadness from her childhood.
So by now you can probably see that you do have the same attitudes to grief, and the belief that any person you work for should support you in the avoidance of grief, as your Mum had. And hopefully you can start to see that in the past your Dad has been attempting to have the same relationship with you as he did with your Mum, and that now he is now trying to have that same relationship with another woman.
You now have the same co dependence with your husband that your Mum had with your Dad. In your relationship as it currently is, it is highly likely that your husband will add to your grief, just like your Dad added to your Mum’s.
I know from your brother that you experience intense migraines. Migraines are always caused by the person using a lot of energy to shut down their experience of grief and sadness.
So, the key things to for you to do in order to become happier and the way to prevent you developing cancer, are:
1. Identify and remove your co dependence with the people in your life
To do this you will need to examine what demands you have of your father, husband and brother (and any other people in your life). At the moment you want to have them support and assist you in to avoid feeling your grief (including feelings of sadness, disappointment, loss, etc.) and you are willing to work hard and sacrifice yourself emotionally to have them do this for you. This is already taking its toll on you.
Initially identifying your co dependence may be quite tricky to do.
Unfortunately, your Mum taught you through her example, that grief was too much for a person to feel and that the only thing to do was to work hard so that her husband, children or others in her life may look up to her, respect her, love her so that she didn’t feel sad anymore. When people did respect her and love her she was able to avoid her sadness for a short time. She felt angry if she this didn’t happen because she believed she shouldn’t have to feel sad, ever.
So, because Mum modeled this to you, you also feel that you shouldn’t have to feel sad and you work (either physically or emotionally, usually both) for others in an attempt to have those others “love” you so you can avoid ever feeling sad. This actually means that you now have an angry demand that others assist you to always feel happy and never feel sad. Your migraines are proof that you are putting a lot of energy into attempting to not feel sad.
All of this means that you are going to have to be really honest with yourself to see ALL of the ways you are in a ‘barter’ with the people around you. You are trying to avoid sadness as much as you are able to by doing things for others and have them help you avoid your sadness.
You will be tempted to call a lot of your co dependence with your husband and your Dad “normal” since this dynamic is what your Mum taught you was loving behaviour in a relationship. It is also highly likely that your husband and your Dad are going to disappoint you because at the moment both of them are quite selfish but willing to nurse a women as long as she does what they want. However, if you can be really honest and start to identify these methods and come to see that they are NOT loving, then you will be taking the first steps to reversing the situation.
Next, you will need to start seeking to understand and analysing what truly loving behaviour, emotions, relationships and attitudes are, and to act in accordance with those. This means you analysing your own behaviour, emotions, expectations and attitudes and to see that it is unloving to avoid feeling your own sadness. That it is unloving to do things to help you avoid your own sadness and it is unloving to not confront the unloving behaviour of other people in your life. You keep avoiding the unloving behaviour of other people towards you which only adds to your sadness and causes you to have to do even more things to avoid your sadness.
2. Begin to experience your grief
This step is essential. By grief I mean not just your grief at your Mum’s passing but also the sadness you have stored throughout your life where you have had to work to get other people’s approval and acceptance, particularly with men.
While feeling your grief will mean feeling sad for a time, by doing this you will also begin to feel a lot more free and relieved in your life.
Experiencing your sadness will also lead to greater self confidence and self knowledge. At the moment, because you are shutting down a lot of your grief, and even the awareness of what you are sad about, you don’t really know yourself well and you also end up feeling very dependent on men (which, while you rely on them to help you avoid your grief, you are). This feeling of dependency means that you can’t feel confident of your own ability to be yourself and or to look after yourself in the world. While you have this injury you will always feel that you ‘need’ a man. This isn’t good for your self worth and it also leads to the situation where you will end up feeling resentful in your marriage or with your Dad etc. Because the men around you can feel from you that you are willing to be treated badly as long as they help you avoid grief, they will take advantage of this.
You will end up feeling that you can’t change things in your relationships because you risk confronting the man so much that he may no longer meet your addiction to avoid your sadness. Because you are afraid to confront men in their unloving or unethical demands of you (for fear of them no longer helping you to avoid grief) you end up in a situation where you feel very angry with them about many issues that are unhealthy in the relationship. However you force all of this down and nevwr express it so that you can maintain the co dependence but you end up bitter and resentful under the surface. In other words, you end up unhappy, more sad and your relationships, you and the men around you don’t reach the potential they could reach if you were willing to confront their unloving behaviour and feel your grief. If you think about it, this is exactly how your Mum felt in her relationship with your Dad.
At the moment you have a tendency to ignore the fact that you are already being treated badly in your relationship with your husband and father. You wish to ignore it so that you don’t have to feel sad about it and do something about it. You end up being stuck like superglue to people who are contributing to your sadness because you feel dependent on them to help you avoid sadness. It is illogical but this is what it is like.
Your Mum was ignoring the fact that there was a lot of sadness in her about her relationship with your Dad. She didn’t want to raise it because it would make her feel even more sad than she already felt. She gave up on her husband ever cheering her up but used her work as a way of avoiding her sadness instead.
So the problem for both you and your Mum is the demand on life, and the world around you, to help you to avoid feeling sad. You are currently denying a lot of truth in your life so that you don’t have to feel more sad. But it won’t work.
This also makes you feel angry at anyone who doesn’t help you to avoid sadness. In this injury, you feel like people aren’t loving you or caring about you while they don’t take your sadness go away.
At the moment you feel unloved by your Dad because he isn’t helping you avoid your sadness and he is also being unloving towards you by putting extreme demands on you to run the business etc. So the key is to identify that you are unloving by expecting others to help you avoid sadness. But that at the sme time you are actually sad because he and others are unloving towards you.
R, I hope all of that helps, there is more I could say but I sense that what I have said is probably enough to digest for now. I just read this email to Jesus and he has helped me to refine some things and hopefully explain things clearly.
The trouble with written communication is that it can be easily misinterpreted. If you do have any other questions you can email me and I am happy to try to explain further.
It was lovely for me to have the chance to speak with you a little. When we visited I didn’t really get to do that.