and there come the times when it hits me
the pain of the lived experience
the pressure of the beliefs forced into me
as a kid
the crazy catch 22s that I’ve lived by
that cause more hurt and frustration
year after year

and tears fall
and that is good
I want the all the pain to wash out

there is no more trying to fix it
there is no more trying to make it better
there is just the pain of it
the simple pain.
the hurt that exists.
and I want to feel it
because it matters.

the pain is something true
about me
I’ve have lived with it for so long
without ever feeling it
like a silent flatmate who I never got to know
and eventually one night we both stay up talking until dawn
and the conversation is so meaningful
I wonder why we never did it before

the pain was always telling my story,
to me.
but I never felt it
so, in a weird way, it is familiar
I know it well
but also,
it is a stranger

the pain of all that
makes everything fall into place
I understand myself
it connects me to me

and I can finally love myself
because I know now how it all happened
it finally makes sense
and even if I can’t change any of it
– the things that went on and the way that I feel –
I finally get. it.
and I know my life
and I know myself

all that life I lived
is clear in a moment
and I know what is real

most of all, I am real
my pain makes me a real-live-person
not the fiction character from a worn out novel
that someone else was narrating

I am full of me
in a way that is good
not selfish, or self involved
like when I was the made-up-character
avoiding her pain

no, now I am full of my own understanding
now I can create, and discern, and move on
now I am free

Mary Luck
19th October, 2018