While we have been so busy, I asked a good friend Eloisa if she’d like to share something for Notes Along the Way. She did, and then we were so busy I didn’t even have the chance to post it!
Finally, here it is. Thanks Elo. I love how you share!
To school or not to school?
This has been an ongoing question for both Peter and I in regards to educating the children in our lives. I grew up in an environment that had much discussion and firm thoughts and beliefs on schooling methods, systems, education and children in general. I have also had a good portion of my life spent within academic systems of some description (like many of you reading I assume) and so have my own first hand (not always objective) experiences of various institutions and schooling methods on the receiving end.
I have a lot of ideas and issues around schooling and education. Some of them are rebellious, some snobby and judgmental, some of them in favor of mainstream schooling, some are heavily influenced by my parents, some come out of fears and terrors I still cling to and some are super excited about discovering and engaging learning God’s Way.
Since Izabella was born (the first of three) we have been tossing up weather to send our children to school or not. Before she was born and while pregnant I imagined myself with a beautiful homeschooling environment where we would harmoniously learn and investigate the world and they would grow into beautiful, self assured beings with a little guidance and a lot of their own will, passion, desire and determination. I had visions of picnics, investigative outings and hugely fun experiments with me being happy and the ‘perfect’ facilitator.
I was in for a surprise when Izzy arrived and then in quick succession two more children were incarnated due to our desire. My image of being the ‘perfect’ facilitator whizzed out the window rapidly as I discovered some deep emotional blocks and beliefs out of harmony with love within me, including a huge desire to control, ‘good mum’ syndrome, expectations of perfection upon the kids and massive fears about what might happen to them if they were not with me and I was not able to protect them. I felt exhausted, uninspired and that homeschooling might not be such a good idea as I was finding it hard to cope, gave up trying anything at all and let the kids ‘run wild’.
As they grew up a bit (around 2, 4, 5 yrs) and I began to look at myself and what each soul /child has been, and is reflecting to me, I began to see many investments, expectations and demands I have upon the children in our care and how stifling my personal fears and terrors are to the kids when I live in those fears and terrors (which has been most of the time). I also have had many first hand opportunities to see the direct result of creating causal emotions within children that I could have avoided by owning and feeling my own feelings rather than taking them out upon the children. I feel ashamed and guilty about doing this, as well as knowing with conviction that as parents we do create error within ‘our’* children and that the responsibility of those creations sits firmly with me. I am also learning, with conviction, that it can be different and I have a choice about what I ‘put into’ and ‘teach’ the kids and it doesn’t have to be error, it can be love and Learning God’s Way – how totally exciting!!
I got excited again about homeschooling about 6 months ago and we set up ‘kindy’ in the spare room and began exploring and discovering a little more formally. The kids loved it and we had/have some really great times. Unfortunately my own emotional state fluxed and flowed and so sometimes it was great and sometimes I can only imagine how yucky it felt for the kids. Sometimes I just didn’t want to be a mother, or I was so self absorbed in my own punishment – to avoid my real emotions – that I didn’t want to think about anyone else and got irritable and cranky.
Pete and I discussed a lot about whether to ‘school or not to school’ and we discussed our own experiences, which have been of different levels of intensity and experience, but both of us had experienced some things in our childhoods at school that have negatively impacted us and our lives and which have created fears within us that we are subjugating the kids to while we continue to deny those feelings.
One time when Mary and Jesus visited they mentioned how they felt much of the reason for us not sending Iz to school was because of our fears/terrors. Pete and I looked at each other and felt we were coming to that conclusion also. We are terrified of our children being abused, attacked, harmed or not protected by adults or children due to our own unhealed errors so we have been keeping Izabella home, under the guise of ‘homeschooling’ in order to ‘protect’ her. Unfortunately my fears and terrors of potential negative situations and events creates a stifling, oppressive, fearful atmosphere for her to marinate in.
I have also come out of denial about being sexually abused when I was small and am beginning to look at the issues around that**. Izabella has also been sexually abused when she was almost four and due to that injury being unhealed within me I wanted to protect her from the whole world so it would never happen again. What I am realising is that I cannot actually protect her while I leave my own sexual abuse unhealed. She is totally open to abuse and attack because both her parents are. And weather I keep her home or send her to school the Law of Attraction will create events in order for me to heal those issues within me where ever our children are. So there were two choices, one: keep her home and ‘Repunzel’ her from the world (try and keep her secluded and protected), two: send the kids to school and deal with the emotions that are brought up by the Law of Attraction for us to work through and heal.
I am in a process of realising that only God can really truly protect our children, and that what I can do to protect them is to face my own fears, error, injuries, pain and work through them (while asking God to protect our children in the process. God can do this if I am sincere in working through the errors and injuries within me). While I hold onto my fears, terrors and errors I am actually creating a very dangerous and unprotected environment for children, my soulmate and I to live within.
‘Yeah’, I said casually, ‘We should do that.’ I did nothing about it for a week or two. I had begun seeing a therapist and am beginning to grow a sincere desire to actually work through my abuse issues and a few weeks later Pete mentioned calling the school again.
For some reason I did.
I said, ‘I would like to enroll Izabella into school for next year’, they asked her age and a few other things and then said, ‘Why don’t you come in and meet the teachers today at 1pm and have a look around’. “Okay’ I said nervously.
And in we went.
We looked around, I told the teachers my reasons for keeping Iz home and had a cry. They said ‘Why doesn’t she start tomorrow?’
‘For Real?’ was my shocked response.
‘What would you like to do Iz?’ We asked.
Izabella promptly said she would like to start school right away and so she did. We know The Law of Attraction is perfect and it was so smooth a process that we felt the only reason we would resist it was due to our fears, so I cried and fretted and spoke my fears aloud and off Iz went to school.
Izabella has now been at school for a month. She is really enjoying it and learning heaps which wasn’t happening the same way at home. I was actually keeping her back rather than allowing her to fly and grow as God intended her soul to. Pete calls it ‘having the chains on’ the kids, how much we prevent their growth and discovery by holding them back or suspending them to marinate in our control and oppressive fear based emotions.
Izabella is at this time somewhat reserved around the other kids at times and events come up that expose all sorts of emotions within Pete and I. I feel that we could keep her home in a ‘tower’ of oppressive fears telling her how scary and nasty the world is, or we can send her to school and allow her some space to spend time with kids her own age and discover some things for and about herself for herself. It is also an opportunity for us to work through what comes up for us as it does, with the Law of Attraction in action from her being part of school and the wider community.
I feel the decision has benefited Iz, ourselves and Charlie and Archie. The boys are quite different without two dominating females always on their backs 24/7 and it is a positive change. Charlie has decided to do more things for himself and wants to cook pancakes and noodles, dress himself and do what he can for himself, by himself -more often. Archie is beginning to say his words more clearly, play games he wants to play for himself and for moments feels like he doesn’t have to ‘keep up’ all the time. I am making some time to spend with each child and actually be present, rather than always wanting to be doing something else, or being somewhere else. It is more pleasant more often in our home now and I am enjoying these beautiful souls who are here to teach me so much about Love and God by just being themselves.
I am realising that yes ‘bad things’ do happen and can happen but there is a reason why they happen, and it is to do with me staying stuck in the perpetuating cycles of fear and that is what creates the negative outcomes. If we face up to the ‘bad things’ and feel through those issues right down to the cause of them, then great things can happen because the fear perpetuating cycle has been broken. Even if I don’t deal with the cause immediately, the decision to face some fears and no longer live IN fear has been so beneficial already for all of us.
It has enabled Izabella to go to school and she is enjoying it.
* I say ‘our’ children due the fact that I feel I somehow own them but the reality is that we are all God’s children so technically I am a sister to all other people on earth including all children and a surrogate parent for the children in our care, because God is our real parent and creator, not me.
** I am noticing the positive power of Truth. In admitting that I have been sexually abused and beginning to see how much that one issue has permeated and negatively impacted my life (and still is while I deny it), in beginning to verbalise what happened and be honest about it, I feel more of me beginning to surface, there is more room for sparkles of joy and trinkles of humour and fun. Truth exposes the shame and self & family blame, the embarrassment and how intrinsically I feel there is something wrong with me because of what happened to me. Truth exposes the fears and terrors that I have been holding onto so tightly because I ‘know’ them. Truth brings unexpected surprises and exposes that much of what I believe to be ‘true’ especially around the fears I hold on to, is not true at all according to God and God’s Way and honestly that is the coolest discovery ever. By facing up to my fears I am beginning to see them for what they are and it is not what I thought it would be like. It is so much better!