Category Archives: Uncategorized

About Me & The Blog

Unexpected

 

My life took an unexpected turn when I met a man who claimed to be Jesus. It wasn’t his claim that so stunned and surprised me. (I’d met interesting characters before) The surprise was that I began to have a very intense and emotional experience of remembering him and a life we had had together that spanned the first century and many years together in spirit.

 

This knowledge didn’t come to me as a sudden bolt of lightning bolt nor as a mystical spirit guided adventure. It was more like a series of gut-wrenching, terrifying, emotional experiences – similar to the re-experience of suppressed trauma. At the time these feelings were totally confusing and seemingly unrelated to my current life in any way.

 

Prior to this my life had not been noted for its spiritual pursuits or enlightened status, but neither, I believe, had I been regarded as very ‘flaky’, prone to whimsical flights of fancy or bizarre metaphysical experience.

 

It was really all quite unexpected.

 

So AJ (Jesus) and I didn’t start our relationship with a whirlwind romance nor did I feel any sense of excitement to realise who I was. It was actually nearly the exact opposite. I was shocked, challenged, and afraid of my feelings and what they meant.

 

I got angry.

 

I couldn’t deny my experience but boy did I try! I thought I had my life figured out and yet now there were deeper things stirring in me and even with time and distance from AJ (which I have taken many times since we met) I couldn’t deny that I now wanted more from life than what I’d had before and that if I was going to live with deeper meaning I would have to resolve who I was.

 

Now four years later, I still grapple to come to terms with who I am and what that means on a grander scale. These intense emotional experiences continue today and as I allow them, more understanding and insight comes to me. I feel grateful and in love with AJ but life doesn’t yet feel completely simple. Actually, I’m no where near simple clarity on life yet. (smile)

 

I am so passionate about what we teach – I believe it is the answer to living at our fullest potential as human beings – yet many times I still want the issue of our identities to go away. It’s a desire that does me no service. For if we are to experience this true potential, to become the amazing beings God created us to be, we will each of us have to come to terms with who we truly are. That means connecting with what we desire and love, but also with what we have experienced in the past. And this truth counts for me as much as it does for anyone else.

 

So my challenge is to live these teachings in the truest and fullest way I can. This means humility to whatever comes along, including this experience, these emotions and knowledge of a former life on earth and in spirit, that are so much a part of me.

 

That often makes me feel crazy. Sometimes I want to hide.

 

But lately I want to share my heart for God and the beauty we may find in a relationship with our Creator.

 

So if you are new to this blog, I’m sure if you read the archives you will feel my struggle, and sense my distress at times when I’ve been less humble and projected my need outwards. I started to blog because I was writing anyway – volumes and volumes of thoughts and reflections as I grappled to come to terms with this massive life change. Someone guided me to feel that perhaps sharing these things would be valuable to others. But I’m not sure if it hasn’t all really been to help me work through my fears. 🙂

 

I have no doubt that what and how I share will continue to change as I continue to change and grow.

 

My feeling now is that a story becomes meaningful as it unfolds, that no single point in the narrative is as significant as the deeper meaning inherent in the journey. So perhaps you will forgive my less graceful moments in prose and join me on a journey?

Mary Magdalene

April, 2012

 

 

Trees. Sunshine. Us.

There have been some peaceful moments this last month.
We’ve spent many hours together alone – talking, crying, planting trees, tending gardens and growing a new thing called ‘us’.

Summer breathes golden all around. The days are long and hot.
Butterflies make daisy chain flights from wildflower to flower.
Lazy monitor lizards bask in midday sun and crickets and tree frogs chorus us as night drains the heat of day into cool breezes.
I touch the trunk of the old mama mulberry tree who has seen more seasons on this place than us and I finally breathe in deep.

I breathe in life, I breathe in choice and opportunity.
I exhale more at peace with a life so unexpected, unusual and rich. I am content.
There is still so much unknown in this chrysalis life, so many corners of this soul still uncharted. I feel it is only now that my journey is beginning. A choice to live God’s Way and not my own.

I am so, so grateful for all that I am Given.

Tomorrow we leave on a six week adventure to share Divine Truth in Sweden, Greece, England and Texas.
I’m often challenged to just stay breathing when we travel. In the past I have been quick to run and hide behind my façade.
So my prayer as we pack is to receive this trip as the gift that it is – an amazing opportunity for me to walk the Way, to be humble to every experience, especially those that may push up against my demands for control, for justice or for space.

I’m doing my best to pack this suitcase full, not just with winter woolies, but humility as well.

I’d love to bring you along on this trip. I hope to be able to share some of the moments in each place with you here.

And to those who we plan to see that I have only met online before – how exciting! I can’t wait to meet you!

To Blog or Not to Blog….

**** For those interested in links mentioned in last weekend seminar and/ or ways to ask specific questions of myself or AJ, details are found at the end of this post *****
As I sit down to write there are many posts half written in my drafts box and yet none of them seem destined for completion. To be honest my heart feels heavy for other things. There is unfinished business between me and this blog, between me and my life and it is this ‘business’ that beckons me to words.
I started this blog sort of against my better judgement, or more accurately in spite of my greatest fears (which I used to call my better judgement!). I was inspired one afternoon after processing some fear that a blog was something that would be good for me to create. I had been praying heavily for weeks about becoming more authentic with those around me, and for the courage to share my heart more freely. When the idea came to me it filled me with such terror that I filed it in the recesses of my mind and labelled it ‘desire based upon error’. For a day I couldn’t even tell AJ (which is completely unheard of since there is barely a thought for either one of us that isn’t shared with the other). But the idea kept bugging me, it wouldn’t leave me alone and eventually I broke down and told AJ “I feel like I’m being inspired to blog about my experiences, but I know that is just a crazy idea, I just can’t figure out what injury is driving me…”
Of course when he gently smiled at me and said “I think that could be a good idea” I lost it even more. There was no way I could put my deepest feelings onto the internet. Because that is what a blog would mean… what good would it be if I shared half-heartedly? No, to do this would mean sharing all of my heart.
But then words just came, and made themselves into stories of me. I wrote my heart without much thought or revision.
After that more words came but I still didn’t think I could do it. I closed my journal and told myself that these words weren’t good words and that they couldn’t be shared.
Eventually the words won out and I put them here. I was still afraid but I opened my heart. In the past nine months, so many of you have welcomed my offerings. I feel so humbled by the love and encouragement you have poured over me. I can honestly say I didn’t anticipate it and I am grateful. Lots of times I still hold my breath when I click ‘post’ because I’m still struggling to love myself enough to honor my journey and my story no matter how others think or feel. Lately the comments I receive here have come in equal quantities. The hateful quotient of messages has risen to meet your grace-filled ones. I know that this is occurring because I still carry the injury that it is an offense to say plainly what I feel.
The reason I’m writing today is that I feel that somehow those nasty comments and the people who seem to circle our lives like vultures, always picking and implying and vilifying, seem to be winning in drowning out my voice. All my drafts are unfinished because my soul is fearing the hurt more than loving the process of writing and healing. Instead of grieving my injury and receiving the Truth that God wants me to own my experience, I am questioning my words and second guessing my own meanings. Meanings that God knows and sees are earnest. I question because I am afraid of being perceived as something I’m not and this is a vile affliction. I feel it sicken my belly and tighten up my sinew. For how can I grow to all I can be, how can I shed my inhibitions, and find a clear, strong voice, if I always seek first the approval of those who do not love? Surely someday, God, I will learn to seek your appreciation first? That I would learn to measure my worth in terms of Love and Truth and not in accolade or criticism from those who do not treasure these things as I strive to.
It’s true that at times I feel tired. My bones get weary and I just need to cry and feel like giving up for a while. But as always, after my rainclouds pass, I find God has renewed me. Once again I remember Love and Truth and the reason I love life so much.
The truth is I am on this journey because I love God so much and I want to know Him. It is like there is a vast, open valley inside my chest that longs to be filled with the Ocean of God’s Love. I have tried to live my life in avoidance of who I am. I tried to be just Mary Luck and not Mary Magdalene and it was crushing – I literally felt that my soul was drowning in denial. I have had to grieve (and rage) that I could never grow closer to God unless I allowed all of who I am, as much as that scared me. I’d be lying to say that there weren’t some days when I just plain wish I could live a life with a faith and belief system that others accepted and allowed me to be considered ‘normal’. Many days I do wish it, but I don’t wish it enough to sacrifice myself or my mate or God or the love that grows in my heart. These things are the best and most rewarding things I have ever known and I cannot let them die in order to placate my fears and please other people.
I write today because I need to remind myself. Instead of letting darkness and cruelty win in drowning my voice and my passion for God and growth, I need reminding of how truly magnificent God is and how His Love does sustain me.

Let me say in prefix to what I am about to state, that I don’t feel the need to spend loads of time justifying what I write or how I live my life. These are my choices. I know that God will not let me hide from the error in my ways or heart, nor will he overlook what love grows and motivates me from within. There is no hiding a heart from God. After what feels like a long search, that one Truth has the power to reassure and comfort me. I am content that by trusting Him, in humility, I will eternally grow. However in saying that, I do think its worth stating a few things, for the sake of explanation, about what I write and what happens here on the blog.
I made a commitment some time ago not to publish comments on this blog that were attacking, condescending, cruel or insincere. The internet is a medium so often used as a vehicle for people to be cruel and sadly it seems that when people can be anonymous and/or avoid face to face communication they find it easier to be unloving[1]. I personally believe in taking responsibility for myself, my feelings and being transparent and open. This is always my endeavor in any type of communication. I will not support others to be cruel either to myself or others and I believe there are other places on the internet dedicated to attacking Jesus and I. I don’t intend to create another! I happily publish comments that are sincere, questioning, reflective and/or appreciative. If you are anonymous and attacking, it won’t get published. It’s that simple. If you want to ask me a sincere question that doesn’t insult my ability to critically think and feel, please go ahead and I’d be happy to answer. (more about questions later…)
I have been accused of controlling the free will of others because I publish my feelings about things that happen in our life as it unfolds. I guess the best thing I can say about that is that comments like these reflect a poor understanding of the concept of free will. If I were to berate or bully others into editing their comments or beliefs about me (or any other thing) then I would indeed be attempting to impose upon their free will. By sharing the true events in my life and my feelings about things as they happen, I am merely reflecting my experience. This is simply an expression of my will. (Interestingly, people who try to bully me into not sharing my feelings and accuse me of affecting the free will of others as a way of pressuring me to shut up, are in effect trying to stop me using my will).
From time to time I mention my parents or people from my past in these posts. I am very sure that I only ever do so in order to honestly and accurately convey my process, and my emotions. It is in context of my story and not meant in any way to reflect theirs. I do not have the desire to blame, attack or in any way make a nasty point when I refer to others.
In our society it is very taboo to mention ones parents in anything other than glowing terms. The problem with such a culture is that it supports a conspiracy of denial of actual harm that has been done to us. This is especially difficult for those who have been physically and sexually abused by their parents. But it also applies to others of us, like me, where no such extreme treatment was endured, but a set of emotional contracts was set up in order that we would be ‘loved’.
Yes, I was injured by my parents. My parents also had parents who injured them, and these, my grandparents where also harmed by their parents. Anything a child receives that is not love will injure them. So it is inevitable that in a world, so injured in love, that we inherit injuries from the environment we exist in, most especially the people who raise us. It is an unfortunate fact that doesn’t go away when we ignore it. In fact I believe it makes it worse. A splinter ignored and denied can only fester and sting until it works its way out.
I certainly have compassion for the suffering around me. I know my parents did what they thought was right when I was a child, and in many cases tried not to repeat the pain of their own childhoods. My stating the truth about the multi-generational infection and injury that exists not just in my family but every family on the planet at this time is not out of judgement or blame. It is simply because I do not believe that one can heal an injured perception of love unless one first acknowledges that it is injured. I believe that sometime, some generation needs to stop passing on hate and hurt and instead turn around and face what has been coming down the line. We need to face the Truth that what we currently call love is not love but an injured mutation of it, simply so that it will stop happening and we may heal.
Stating and facing the truth of the pain in our pasts is the opposite of blaming, since to truly face the pain we must face that it is now within us, and only we have the power to heal it. But the crucial first step always remains acknowledging the truth. We cannot heal what we deny. No, if we want to heal, as I do, we must be brave enough to face what is inside of us as a result of this ‘injured substance often called love’ that we received. We must name it for what it is so that we can open to the pain of it and make room for God’s Truth to enter us. Once we have done this, we are healed, and we will not pass on this same love injury to others. This journey begins with facing the truth. I write as I face the truths of my past and as I grieve them. I write them only because they are a part of my story and I am learning, ever so slowly, to honor my story above the projections of others.
I am humbly aware God’s Truth may be different from ‘my truth’ or ‘my parents’ truth’. I also know that I can only find God’s Truth if I am prepared to relinquish my truth. And believe me I am down there amongst it, sucking back on many of my own errors (that I have held as ‘truths’) and praying to let them go.
When I began this journey I wanted dearly to hold onto my parents’ truth as The Truth. It took a lot of effort to face the pain that it wasn’t and be willing to change. But I did it because their ‘truth’ superimposed on my life was hurting me and holding me back.
The difference between my parents and I, is that I am in the midst of a process of giving up strongly held beliefs and emotions that have limited my life. Beliefs that I wanted to hold as truths because it felt so disorientating and painful letting them go. In the end though, to receive God’s Love and Truth I had to willing to give them up. My parents have not entered into such a process. I do not condemn them for this; in fact I know how difficult, challenging and confronting it is. I do not in anyway expect them to revise their beliefs or share my own.
I do not condemn them for not walking this Path, but I do not accept their attempts to control me in my desire to do so. And this is something which they have been attempting to do, quite vigorously, for quite sometime.
This is not a ‘me’ vs ‘them’ scenario. To me, it is about any of us, should we decide we want God, coming to accept God’s Truth and having the humility to be shown that Truth, whatever that is. None of us can blindly hold onto ‘No, I didn’t hurt my kids’, nor can we live in blame and avoidance of our own demands and addictions that may have caused us to be a spoiled brat, and expect to know God.
To heal we must find God’s Truth, definitive. I don’t proclaim to know it all but I do know that I’m the process of re-discovering it.
I’m writing today because the words stopped coming. I felt bullied by the darkness and pushed to forget what is most important to me. I have a long career as a ‘people pleaser’ and I know that my demons today are evidence of how much I still care about how others perceive me. I’m making progress but it still hurts to be misunderstood and maligned. I have been praying for a while because there are more words, even deeper and more personal, that have begun to tug on me to be written and shared. They are words about my first century life, about God. They want to tell you about my pain but also my increasing joy and passion. My body is heavy with posts, not yet at full term, about using the internet as a place to nurture and speaking out for Truth and Love. I know that the reason these words are not yet here is because my better judgement… uh hem.. I mean my deepest fears still rule in this regard. So I’m asking God to give me courage about the next phase in this space.
Before I go I wanted to invite you, especially those of you who I haven’t yet met in person, to send me any question you may have about me, Jesus, our life, the teachings, or yes, even Lady Gaga!! It’s for something new we are working on… I can’t guarantee that all questions will be answered but there is a small team of others who will do their best to have it so. Just pop questions in an email to mary@divinetruth.com. (Obviously keep in mind the same general principles about commenting apply to questions).
Also here are the youtube links mentioned in the seminar on the weekend…
Contradictions in Bible
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB3g6mXLEKk
Contradictions about God
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOfjkl-3SNE&feature=relmfu
God’s Actions
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGkgmU9vG_o&feature=related
With love and many thanks for your listening heart,
Mary
[1] The movie “Blindness” could be viewed as an interesting metaphor for this phenomenon.

Its Worth It

Hey everyone,
I was given guidance some time ago that it would be worthwhile to document my spiritual and emotional progress on this Path, to demonstrate my grappling and hopefully eventually succeeding to again master this beautiful Way to know and connect to God. This blog is a part of my efforts to do that. So far, its been a great experience, to say the least! As I’ve shared at other times I’m fairly addicted to people thinking well of me and so sometimes all the blog honesty gets a little challenging for me. I hit the publish button and go into melt-down. (Think here – ‘oh my God, how can anyone ever want to even know me after they read this and know how unloving, selfish, un-evolved, slow to get it etc, I am’)
And there are the times when I receive not so lovely comments, yes sometimes even very nasty ones. Almost 100% of the comments that are cruel and lack any real respectful question or considered comment are anonymous. I feel that the internet is too often used as a way to distance ourselves from our own words, feelings. So in the case of the nasty comments I just feel my way through what they bring up. I refrain from posting hateful words when there are so many other places in cyberspace where people are able to do so.
One commenter recently told me I was self-involved, which stung, but hey as the big purple letters at the top of the page say it is ‘My Story’ so if this site wasn’t full of me what would be the point?  But seriously, I do have a big ol’ false belief that ‘If I be myself, especially my sad and hurting self, noone will love me’, so naturally there are times here (and elsewhere) where God gives me the opportunity to grieve that belief and replace it with a more Truthful newby.
I really do want to thank so many of you who have been supportive of me! Time and again I am overwhelmed and touched by each and every one of you who receive my broken, messed-up self with compassion and acceptance. Often you meet my vulnerability with your own, you encourage me, you challenge yourselves through these teachings. Truly, you inspire me and I love you all. Thank-you for helping me challenge that big ol’ false belief in a loving way. 
As time goes on I’m really challenging myself to more and more authentic and vulnerable in this space. I do want to speak more of my identity, what remembering my first century and spirit life is like and tell you the story of my life, all of it. That thought is still uber-scary but I’m feeling more and more ready to share this deeply personal part of life and feelings. Stay tuned if you are interested.
Anyway I have digressed.. My point is that I know at times, with all my sharing of the tough stuff, it probably feels a bit heavy here which is why I wanted to share with you today how awesome I feel!
Today, after a week of big time processing to feel as I do, even just a little more liberated from my fears, is so beautiful.
Just over a week ago I was hit between the eyes with a big blunt truth about still wanting rebellion and even finding rebellious boys sexy. It hurt, big time. But by simply stepping down, through all the layers, I unlocked childhood grief and shame, first century memories, and now I sitting with these terrors of loving my man truly, madly and deeply. Even as I simply own these fears, in my body, I feel softer. It feels, dare I say it, liberating in a way that makes it all worth it. That smell of a sweeter, lasting freedom is wafting my way.
So I just wanted to let you know – Its Worth It!
And even more than that – You Are Worth It!
I have the words of this blog post printed at the front of my prayer folder. I read them everyday. I thank The Kindness Girl who wrote them and I thought perhaps you might like to read them as well.
Wishing you an awesome day filled with God’s Love,
Your sister,
Mary

Grain of Sand

Recently we stayed with some beautiful people…..

                          and I wanted to tell you about their amazing blog… 
                                                                      (click on ‘blog’ to see it!)

   
       our trip was full of treasured things……



God’s Love and Goodness washes over the world, I am so grateful….

I borrow some words from a friend……
To You GOD
You are so vast
I am so minute
Your Love for me, I cannot understand
I have so little to give to You, as is a grain of sand
what I give to You, I give You all
I am yet to learn
Ken Scott

A Grey Week and a New Space of Vulnerability

 I’ve had a difficult couple of weeks. I have found new depths in this experience – facing difficult truths and emotions that I have avoided for a long time. I’ve felt afraid, sad, desperate and hopeless. Mostly these feelings alternated but sometimes they hit me all at once. I’m learning that part of the mastery of this path is to be with these spaces, without avoidance or a desire for them to be over before their completion. When I can soften into deep sorrow my being is glad to finally stop resisting what already lies within and to let the sharp edges of grief and loss diminish through their expression.
I haven’t posted mainly because I have been busy feeling and exploring these new (old) spaces but also because it’s harder to post when I feel fragile. It feels like a different quality to vulnerable to share when I am still in the sad space and when I know there are now people who read who are critical of me. But I remind myself that the reason I began to blog was to share my story. For the past couple of weeks I have been rediscovering parts of myself and my story that are both painful and poignant.
I have a half a dozen posts half written, about green tree frogs, a woman named Freda and finding the strength and joy in striving, but these will remain incomplete for today. I thought instead I would simply share some broad strokes and snippets from my journal and hopefully they can tell the story for me.
I’m struggling with two major sets of emotions at the moment. There are each overwhelming and intertwined. I’m grappling with the emotional acceptance of my identity. The mental and emotional pain of truly accepting that I am Mary Magdalene feels quite honestly in most moments more than I can bear. I tussle with just sitting with the reality of what I feel to be true and the implications of that for any length of time.
I’ve also been braving the experience of emotions of Soulmate loss. These were triggered sharply when I first met AJ and I felt him as Yeshua and me as Miriam. The feelings of grief were so intense and, at the time so confusing, that I suppressed them furiously. In the intervening years I have indeed been furious with AJ, blaming him for this grief and resolutely refusing to venture into truly experiencing it.
I’ve made some forays into these emotions in the past month but honestly I still struggle with this. There are parts of me that want him to pay for my pain. I want him to prove to me over and over again that he loves me so that I can avoid the crippling feeling that somehow his death was a rejection of me and something I deserved. These feelings are tangible. There is an anatomy to my pain that defies explanation unless I accept that we are indeed these ones who shared a life and great loss in another time. To submit to such emotions of course only triggers more issues about my identity. Sometimes I have the feeling that in order to stay sane I must allow these emotions that are undeniably a part of me but that in doing so I become to the vast majority of the world someone who is not sane.
2/2/2011
I resist connection with my mate, I have us on this desperate merry-go-round of repetition.
I fear so much the level of grief, the past loss of our connection. Now I feel if I connect with him he can be taken from me. I don’t want to connect. I never want to feel that bad again. If I open my heart completely I will give people the power to hurt me so much – they could take him from me.”
Today I have been wracked with the grief of loss.
Memories of the torture and death of my Soulmate.
A feeling that all of the goodness had been stripped from my life and my person.
A tragedy for myself, my unborn child, for the world
My heart hurts so much with the grief of longing and loosing, God help me to stay with this pain.
Later that day I wrote:
To love someone with all of who we are, to desire them completely and with an open heart, to share ourselves without reserve, is one of the most – if not the most – courageous things we can ever do. It is also the most worthwhile.
3/2/2011
Feeling the presence of my spirit guide very strongly during heavy processing, feeling unworthy of her love and attention, feel that I must get through all of the resistance alone.
I received a channeling in answer to my feelings.
4/2/2011
Reading a book on grief, loss of a spouse. The book triggers so much grief surrounding Yeshua’s death that I don’t want to feel (powerful, overwhelming). I want an easier way out than to feel them.
I feel angry with God – why should I have to do this?
5/2/2011
Truths:
 –        In order to connect to God, to receive the Love of God, I must have a relationship with Him based on me being who I am.
–        If I am Mary Magdalene this means I must accept this if I am gong to relate with God and receive His Love.
I feel like I can’t do this. I’m not capable, I’m not suitable for this role. I don’t want it.
God, why did you let me do this?
I’m not strong enough.
I’m sick of trying to be strong. I can’t do it anymore.
How much rejection must I face?
How much uncertainty?
How much loneliness?
How much striving for connection with my mate?
I’m sick of not getting it. I’m sick of the struggle. I’m sick of resisting feeling how hard this is.
This is hard. Its uncomfortable, it hurts. Everyday to stay connected to you God, everyday to stay connected with myself, everyday to stay connected to AJ I must face some terrifying truth about myself, who I am, my family, our life…
I know this is horrible but sometimes I find myself wishing I had other people’s trials and troubles. I love God and I love this path, in fact I want to dedicate my life to it. I just don’t want to do this as Mary Magdalene. This feels so hard and yet I cannot go on avoiding the memories inside of me. I’m exhausted from trying to.
Why does God want the parts of us that are the hardest to face?
Why do I have to face this pain?
Any other pain seems paler in comparison to dealing with this.
Where is my faith God? Where is my commitment to what is true? I want to shy away from it because it hurts me, it confuses me, it unlocks my deepest pains.
AM I WILLING TO FACE MY PAIN IN ORDER TO KNOW GOD?
Note: It’s difficult for me to attempt to have others understand the emotions about identity.
I realise in reading some of what I have written people could be forgiven for asking ‘Why on earth are you bothering if it feel so bad/ hard?’ or that somehow someone else is forcing me to consider this reality.
Believe me no-one could ‘suggest up’ or ‘implant’ the grief that I feel. The truth is that my pain and desperation comes from the knowledge that in order to grow I must face the things already inside of me. And the things inside of me say I am this other person.
The memories that I hold are from a life filled with hardship, followed by a brief, bright period filled for the first time with beauty, love and hope which sharply ceased. It ceased and we endured the time of Great Loss and my life again became one of hardship and sorrow. Facing my identity means accepting these memories and also experiencing the pain of others’ rejection of what I feel.
7/2/2011
I feel I am a horribly flawed person, unable to change, unworthy of love.
I feel psychologically disturbed and in pain to consider emotionally the Truth that I am Mary Magdalene.
9/2/2011
God, please help me with these feelings. I am so stuck – I don’t want to open-heartedly desire my Soulmate. I want instead to blame him for our ostracism. I want to protect my heart from hurting.
I am resisting so much. I am hanging on by my finger nails, white knuckled and stubborn.
I ‘like’ the addiction of him making me feel good about myself and me being passive. I get to have him ‘prove’ over and over that I am important and that he loves me. I risk nothing in this exchange. I don’t have to examine my true feelings about him or about myself.
What are the feelings inside of me?
They feel confusing. I am angry but underneath that is the feeling of being rejected by him at his death and my own feeling that this must mean I am worthless.
When I am brave enough to feel those feelings under them is a longing for him, a fear of loosing him and a fear of expressing this longing (lest I be ‘rejected’ again).
My heart is hard on the surface – angry and resistive,
Underneath I am afraid.
Beneath my fear is an ocean of grief and longing
A soup of loss and desire
I fear that I may drown in
Is my being strong enough to survive the torrent of emotions that threatens to overwhelm it?
God give me faith that I may grow and thrive in such a brine – this mix of sweet and salty water.
I’ve learnt two things in the past few months. They are this:
Firstly that our emotions truly begin to change and shift in the moment we fully surrender to them. I don’t need to make sense of them. If I trust the process and long to God for Truth and Love as I go through them, my emotions guide me to a place of more understanding and freedom.
Second, I have realised that the issues and emotions we resist the longest, that feel the hardest to deal with, what we seem most blocked to, are the ones that have the most negative impact on our lives and conversely when we decide to deal with them, have the most inspiring and relieving results. Also, when we truly decide to face them, then very rapidly a whole truck-load of emotions comes bubbling up. Of course they do! We carry the most pain about these things; it makes sense that when we go looking for them our emotions will arrive easily.
I always thought I was so ‘stuck’ on the big issues – but the truth was that I just feared that I couldn’t handle the pain. When I decided, in my heart not in my head, to face the truth of what I really felt, the emotions were not elusive or difficult to access. They were and still are extremely present and intense and the challenge is allowing that experience.
 
I was thinking this morning of our lives, as if lived at sea. In the storm we cling to our (by now leaking) dingy. Each of us has a dingy, constructed with the weathered timber of our addictions and the things that make us feel safe and in control.
In our panic at the wind and rain, we wish to hold onto our dingy, believing it has brought us through thus far. We dash around plugging up the gaps, exerting ourselves, believing this is our only way to survive.
Meanwhile, the steady steam liner, that effortlessly maintains calm in the turbulent waters, has thrown us a lifeline. All we need do is dive into the powerful sea and reach out to God and we will be carried to peace and calm.
But instead, our fear keeps us believing that the leap is impossible. It tells us that the dingy is the only certainty we know.
Right now we are each of us weathering some kind of storm. Even if we’ve become so adept at plugging up holes and building sails that we believe the sun is shining, somewhere inside there is a tempest of grief unfelt. We all carry pain and I have found the effort to avoid that pain has become exhausting. All that is left is to dive in deep and trust the tides and that life ring to carry me somewhere safe and warm.
My dingy in sinking and I’m starting to trust that a new reality may be possible, certain even. 
With love and in shaky vulnerability,
Mary