{Notes On} Missing the Gifts

I know of a woman, who, after eagerly anticipating the birth of her first child, took one look at him after delivery and said “But he’s a blond.” She refused to wash, hold or nurse him for days after his birth. She had anticipated a cherub with brown hair and eyes, and couldn’t accept the blue eyed beauty who arrived.

This woman had no appreciation for the utter wonder of this small new being, a child of God, grown in her womb and birthed by her.  She was not awed by the miracle of birth, or the gift that God offered her in the privilege of becoming a parent – which is the opportunity to learn about love, and God’s very nature through our own lived, visceral, heart-tugging experience with another being, a child.

She wanted a brown haired baby, and this one was blond. So he was rejected.

I know of another woman who felt certain that her long-standing boyfriend was soon to propose to her. She collected jewellery catalogues pondering which ring she would love to wear. When she found one she liked she strategically left her chosen ring circled in the pages, lying around her apartment. She was hoping her man would take the hint.

Sure enough, the day arrived when after a long and beautiful date that the boyfriend had planned, (culminating on the deck of a yacht no less), he got down on one knee and produced a ring box. This was it – her long anticipated moment. He asked to spend the rest of his life with her.

And yet as he opened the ring box her face suddenly fell in disappointment. He had purchased another ring! Her ‘perfect moment’ was suddenly marred as she gazed into the ‘wrong’ glittering diamond arrangement.

It turned out that she had previously marked another ring in the catalogue and the diligent boyfriend has seen this and bought it, thinking it was what she wanted.

After accepting his proposal, she promptly insisted that he go back and exchange the ring for the correct selection.

This woman could overlook the huge gratification of having the man that she professed to love, actually loving her back. (No small gift in itself people).

She could forget that this same man loved her so much that he wanted to spend, not just the afternoon, but the rest of his life with her, and only her.

She wasn’t interested that he was attentive enough to even notice a jewellery catalogue in her home, and to look to at it in order to attempt to make her dreams come true.

Nope, she felt that he ‘ruined’ the moment by not getting it exactly right.

True story.

So why am I telling you all this?

I’m telling you because these are examples of people who, because of their own agendas, overlooked gifts that were offered to them. Their examples might sound extreme to you? But I didn’t use them so that you could shake your head and judge these women.

No, I’m telling you because as I look at my own life and I see that I have been showered with gifts, and I have rejected so many of them because they didn’t come in the package or way that I wanted or anticipated. A lot of times, it is only with hindsight that I even recognise that a gift was even being offered.

I’m telling you because often we see the absurdity and hurtfulness in other people’s actions, but at the same time overlook how we ourselves are acting in very similar ways.


About five years ago, I had just returned from living overseas for an extended period. It had been a time of great personal change, new experiences and exposure to new ideas. I was at a point where I knew that I wanted to reassess what my life was all about.

I’d experimented with my career. I’d taken up more post-grad study. I’d recently broken up with a partner. While I thought I knew some things about what I wanted, there was a whole lot of stuff that just didn’t sit right about my future direction and life values. I sort of knew what I didn’t want, but internally I didn’t think I could get what I really dreamed of – because that stuff just doesn’t work in the ‘real world’, right?

Around this time my friend Jessica invited me to go out for dinner in Brisbane with her and some of her work colleagues and friends. After dinner we piled into a near-by night club called ‘Fridays’. Having lived in Brisbane for four years while I studied for my degree, being back in ‘Fridays’ brought back many memories of my uni days, not all of them were fun or flattering (smile). This night, I distinctly remember standing very soberly on the edge of a dance floor, surrounded by people of various ages and in varying degrees of inebriation and thinking “Here I am back in a familiar place, yet I feel so different. What is my life really all about anyway?”

I chose that moment to pray. Strange I know, but there it is.

Now, back then I wasn’t what you would call a formal ‘pray-er’. In fact I hadn’t explored my own feelings enough to decide what I really believed about God. But from what I now know about true prayer, I can tell you that I most definitely prayed at that moment.

Here’s what I prayed:

“God, please let me find the one man who is for me. I want the partner who will share my passions, and dreams, who will want to make a life together, a life that is about something meaningful and true. I want the ‘forever’ man who will be my friend and partner and who will want what I want for the world.”

It was a strong feeling, that I felt explode out of me like a shock wave. Then I just went back to making small talk with the journos I’d had dinner with.

You know what comes next in this story don’t you?

The next week AJ gave a talk at my parent’s home and he and Cornelius stayed overnight. It wasn’t a huge, harps playing, thunder clap kind of moment. I wish I could tell you that doves appeared in the sky and we gazed knowingly into each other’s eyes.

The event passed for me without much conscious acknowledgement (although many emotions were stirred). AJ was famously tongue tied, and I spent most of the time telling Corni about my travels, interspersed with me directing some pointed questions towards AJ about the Course in Miracles or something or other.

I couldn’t see the gift.

In fact, as is by now well recorded, as I got to know AJ I vacillated between extremes of attraction towards him and intense rejection, anger and denial of any feeling toward him.

Quite simply, meeting AJ triggered every fear and deeply suppressed sense of loss inside of me. So extreme was my fear and its denial, that I didn’t see our relationship as a gift. In fact I hardly saw his true personality at all. I rejected my feelings, resented the truth, and did a great many things to harm him and the possibility of us being together.

With every gift that God gives us He desires that we come to know ourselves more fully. And that we may be drawn by our own desire to grow closer to Him. This often means confronting the errors and blocks we have to knowing God’s Nature, Love and to recognising the Wisdom inherent in His Design.

I feel now that my meeting AJ again was perhaps the best gift I have ever, ever received – even better than our very first meeting in the 1st century. Yet at the time not only did I reject this gift, I resented the sense of a loss of control and terror of attack, that our meeting triggered in me.

The creation of our soul mate is an immense gift. It is the gift that delivers the exact answer to my prayer made in the night-club five years ago. Even in our injured state, being in a relationship with our soul mate has immense power to help us grow and know ourselves. Even if both halves of the soul are injured or hurting, if they desire to know and heal themselves, they naturally and automatically become a support, inspiration and example for the other simply through their own self-expression and journey.

But I literally couldn’t see or receive these gifts until I developed humility to my own fear and pain. The resistance to my own self caused me to be blind to what gifts I had received and was being offered.


Our friend Josh always says that God’s Law of Attraction brings you Truth in a graded way – first as a feather, then as a brick, and then as a truck. Meaning that God is gently trying to bring us towards Truth all the time, and when we engage our soul’s desire to grow and yet keep overlooking the feather-weight Truths that nudge us, a stronger attraction is required to wake us up to our error, enter the brick. And if we still deny or resist he brings us a truck sized event, all in the effort to help us see how we err from Love and Truth.

Imagine if we could all wake-up to the feathers brushing up against us, designed to show us our errors. If we saw these nudges and worked in our hearts on releasing their causes, our awareness and appreciation of gifts would overwhelm us.


I know that it has become fashionable in recent years to keep a ‘Gratitude Diary’ as a way of counting blessings, and seeing gifts. The problem with this approach is that we aren’t already automatically seeing and feeling the gifts. Instead we are employing a technique to grow our awareness. In principle I’m not opposed to any non-violent practice that assists a person to grow their awareness. Awareness is the first step we take when healing a problem, or opening to a gift.

However the problem with simply keeping a journal and not pausing to reflect more deeply to ask ourselves why we weren’t already noticing these gifts and rejoicing in them in our daily life, is that the practice will require constant repetition in order to provide any sense of joy. The joy cannot be deep and lasting because we are already suppressing or avoiding the feelings that prevent the natural recognition of gifts.

In my own example, it didn’t matter how intellectually aware I was of the gifts of my soul mate’s love, support and acceptance of me. While I justified my fear and pain, I simply didn’t honour or feel them as gifts. Until I was willing to be humble to my true feelings I couldn’t see that God had answered my prayer; instead I believed that He had dealt me a poor hand in life.

In the experience of the first women above, the emotions triggered by the birth of a son whose appearance reminded her of something painful, marred her joy at motherhood. So intense was the experience, that she couldn’t manufacture gratitude. Her only solution would have been to explore her reaction emotionally in order to resolve it and open her heart to her child.

In the second example, the woman had closed her heart to love, and instead lived in the injuries of façade. She believed that love equated to providing her with material things, and fulfilling her every wish. She literally could not see the gift of her boyfriend’s love and fidelity because she was obsessed with appearance, fanfare, and tradition. She demanded the fulfillment of her obsessions, rather than seeing what of value was being offered.

Intellectually counting gifts in order to grow gratitude is only effective if we understand that in a truly humble place we would not need to count our gifts – they would already be blindingly apparent and abundant on a moment to moment basis. So if we are using an intellectual technique to notice our gifts, in order to grow we must be willing to take the next step which is to heal our injuries that prevent us seeing receiving these gifts without the need for technique.

Also, if we try for gratitude, we can quickly end up in a stuck and self-punishing state. We can use our mind to see or count gifts around us, and yet finding that our heart is dead to them, we can end up berating ourselves. For example, I spent many nights punishing myself, because I had vast evidence of my soul mate’s kindness, patience and generosity with me and others, and I could see that I was not feeling grateful for these things. In fact I was actively rejecting and criticizing them.

By trying to be grateful, trying to manufacture gratitude because we ’know it’s the right thing to be’, we can end up creating a hell of self-flagellation for ourselves.

The only way to truly notice and receive gifts is to open our hearts and heal the injury that blocks us to receiving in the first place. Our lives lived in suppression of emotion cause us to seek out addictive and damaging prizes, rather than notice and honour the true and nourishing gifts that God and others offer us. It’s like trying to suppress a deep hunger with sugary sweets, that don’t stay in our stomach long and rot our teeth. Our real hunger and thirst is to feel and know ourselves and God, but most of us feel that’s frightening and dangerous so we bail out and deny.

Yet when we close down the experience of one emotion, we close down the potential experience of others. If we shut down our pain and fear, we can’t feel love or gratitude. It’s as simple and difficult as that.

I can tell you from lived experience that once you begin to open your heart to whatever is in there, without self-punishment, and with a desire to love and heal, gratitude is a natural result.

Can I inspire you today friend? The benefits of opening to our pain are not just a stronger sense of self, greater potentials of a relationship with God and a more loving lifestyle and relationships. Undertaking the journey of healing ourselves literally makes life come alive with a knowledge and experience of the gifts that God has offered.

I feel some pain as I begin to feel how many gifts I have overlooked, rejected or simply let pass me by in life. But there is also the excitement of knowing that as I continue, and grieve and grow, the gifts begin to appear in technicolour all around me.

Do you remember the wonderful world of Walt Disney – full of colour and magic? I liken those images to how life comes alive as we grow. The gifts spring out at us, to be relished and received readily.

But in order to live this we must be willing to examine our expectations, our agendas, and our preconceptions in the light of what is loving and what honours Truth. Only when we are willing to allow the pain of past hurts and the discomfort of letting go of unloving expectations can we even begin to notice the gifts being offered. And this is the first step in coming to discover and embrace the beauty and fulfillment that God has planned for us.

I have been blind to the many blessings and opportunities offered to me until I at last found the courage to begin to open my heart to all that was within it.

I even received the exact thing that I prayed for within one week of my prayer. But I missed the gift because I didn’t expect or want his name to be Jesus.

Disney Alice in Wonderland

14 thoughts on “{Notes On} Missing the Gifts

  1. markusgermany

    Dear Mary,
    thanks so much for sharing this! Recently I started meditating each morning and evening, focussing on my emotions and praying to god about sharing some truth with me. While I still don’t feel the connection to god very much, I was able to process quite some emotions and in my experience, my heart opens up through this process, opening myself towards the large and small gifts, even if they are just events triggering other emotions 🙂
    XO Markus

    1. Mary Post author

      Hi Markus, Its great to hear from you and that you are trying the Great Experiment so regularly!! So many aren’t brave enough to simply sit down and try it everyday. Yet your experience demonstrates how powerful it can be.
      Thank-you for sharing.

  2. dianatingoora

    I love the feeling of deep gratitude, how it feels in my heart, but I also notice how I limit this feeling because it’s so sweet and painful at the same time and I have so much resistance to experiencing both love and pain. Still, my longing to experience both is growing (weirdly paradoxical …..) and bringing me some wonderful opportunities.

    I’ve been reflecting on all the opportunities I missed in experiencing the gift of my son – from his conception onward – because I’ve been so invested in him meeting my expectations and feeding my addictions. As a result he missed out on receiving so much love from me, including what I could have taught him about God’s Love and Laws. As I engage this grieving process with less investment in self-punishment, I’m beginning to see so much more of his beautiful qualities, to feel him more. I don’t know whether it’s just him growing or me growing or a mix of both, but it really doesn’t matter. I’m just so grateful to have this opportunity now.

    It seems that the more I desire to grow in love, and the more I open up to receiving without being selective about what I let in, the more opportunities I have to face my fears, expectations and addictions, and if I do so with humility, my desire grows to experience more. So many gifts in this process, even though I feel lost and off track most of the time.

    Thank you, Mary, for your love and inspiration.

    with love

  3. marinasmartstudio


    This post was so beautiful and monumental for me. It’s funny, how I feel that my soulmate and I are in many ways like you and AJ (reversed)…like we’d mentioned briefly in Dallas last year ; only I am way more injured and my soulmate is way more rejecting atm. 🙂

    I’ve also had those moments in the nightclub where I felt I stuck out like a sore thumb (though years prior i would’ve been partying like a maniac dance machine), and thought to myself, ‘Is this it? What do I want in my life?’…but I also remembered thinking that it wasn’t possible to have the life and love I really wanted.

    It felt very hopeful to read this, and really feel how we can overlook even the simplest gift. That we are often so blinded by our own expectations, that we skip that which we are actually seeking in the depths of our own soul.

    One of the biggest blocks of my life is that I’m afraid to feel my pain. Simple as that.

    Just yesterday, I was completely overwhelmed with the feeling that if I wasn’t born, then my parents may have split up and had a happier life. I couldn’t even tell you exactly how this came about, but I knew that ‘trying’ to feel this is futile; i suddenly had a trigger and grieved about a belief that I wasn’t loved, when actually I was, and felt 7-8years old and remained this way for many hours of my day. It is safe to say that feeling that we were unwanted is a very, very REAL emotion. How can I give love to another if I don’t accept myself and love myself? Moreover, how can I love myself if I feel that I shouldn’t be here?
    Days prior I had prayed for God to show me why I don’t want to leave my parents home, live on my own, and create the finances to live the life I want.
    This emotion was my answer.

    Thank you, immeasurably, for this post. It is amazing that even though we may be in a hellish place, or anywhere else our soul may reside in, our honest prayers are always answered, and God loves us THAT much to present us with the other half of ourselves which would possibly be the most surefire way to have all the damage exposed…and potentially healed, when we surrender to all that’s within the depths of our own waters. Faith!

    I will pray more.

    With Love,

    P.S. – I’ve been feeling a lot about Walt Disney lately…I wonder if he’s reaching out. 🙂

    1. Mary Post author

      Hey Marina,

      Last year when we met in Dallas and you brought up this soulmate topic I was far more timid in my response to you than I needed to be. While I alluded to what I am about to say, I needed to be much clearer! So here goes.

      Big breath because I got on a bit of a roll while writing to you!

      As someone who knows you and loves you, its important that I tell you that I do not feel that you resemble AJ in the situation you are in with the person you believe is your soul mate.

      In fact, I see that you are far more the way that I have been, especially when I first met AJ i.e. you believe that you are alright and if your soulmate would only change and want you and life on your terms, then things would be OK.

      You are overlooking what heavy judgements you have towards this man! This is really repelling for him – and will be especially so if he is the other half of your soul (since it is the other half of himself, who he is naturally more sensitive to, sending the message that he isn’t good enough). This man is already feeling so many demands from his environment and childhood that he feels smothered and just wants to escape in any way possible (his lifestyle demonstrates this). Your projections add to these feelings since they are in fact giving him a list of things he needs to live up to.

      Whether you realise it or not, your projections at him are intense and you have very many holes within yourself that you would like him to fill rather than you heal them for yourself. If you took initiative in your development to see your own arrogance and deal with your demands and neediness with males you would have something to OFFER your soulmate – (rather than the current list of demands and roles you would like him to fulfil for you). This more loving state would be very ATTRACTIVE to your other half.

      As I said, in this way you are very much like ME when AJ and I first met. You are also like the women in the stories at the beginning of this post – they are offered gifts and reject them because these gifts don’t not meet their emotional addictions.

      God’s creation of the other half of our soul is a GIFT to us. When we judge their current emotional condition as problematic we demonstrate a rejection not only of them, (which is in reality the other half of us), but also a severe lack of compassion for the pain they have suffered during their life on earth. Through this very act of judgement we demonstrate that our attitude and feelings towards them are driven by what we want to GET from them, rather than desiring to love them and know them regardless of how they feel about us.

      When we have a pure feeling for our soulmate we wish to love them no matter what their situation or projections towards us. We view them as gifts, and treat them as the treasured other half of our soul (not someone we wish would smarten up and start ‘loving’ us) – we feel this way no matter what their condition. You don’t feel this way about your soulmate which signals that you have healing to do in order to attract your soulmate into your life.

      This gift of unconditional love and acceptance that AJ has constantly offered me since our meeting has been life changing. He was personally humble to his pain about my judgements and rejection of him and was therefore still able to display love towards me. This takes a very spiritually evolved guy. The guy that you have your eye on still has more wounds than AJ did when we met and so it is natural that he feels repelled by you while you hold onto demand and judgments of him (if you feel about it – even your comment here reveals your judgements of him).

      I point this out publicly because I see this reflected in many women I know (and so feel this message may benefit more than just you). There seems to be a common conception among these women that if only they could find a lovely, self-aware, spiritual guy (the implication is – someone just like themselves) then all of their relationship woes would be over. This attitude is some serious lack of regard for how their personal emotional and spiritual condition is actually REPELLING men from their lives.

      Someone actually said to me recently that they wouldn’t mind having a soulmate if it their soulmate was AJ/ someone like AJ. This statement reveals many things but key among them is the feeling that life would be a breeze if their soulmate was spiritually aware and loving. The truth is more likely to be that these women would react just like I did if they attracted a loving man into their lives i.e. they would find it difficult to even RECOGNISE these qualities, they would judge the man and reject him, because their REAL desire is to have their addictions met, or at the very least for their addictions to remain unchallenged.

      What I see are many, many women who are arrogantly making assumptions about their level of spiritual development, and feeling impatient and judgmental towards men. Many of the things I see these women judging in men are actually good qualities that the men already have and the women would benefit from developing. Equally many of the qualities I see women being proud of in themselves are actually injuries in love that will need to be healed if they are to grow closer to God and their mate.

      For example I see some of these women telling themselves that they are an independent woman who can create on her own. They are proud of their ‘development’ in this area.

      And indeed there is no doubt that God desires all of His children to take responsibility for themselves, to not rely on others for their sense of worth or security, and to confidently create in their passions.

      However I don’t see that level of development in most of these women. If I did I would observe a women who is RELAXED, friendly, confident, creating freely and abundantly, who is open to change, and to others.

      Instead I see women who are very addicted to CONTROL (which is actually living in fear) and comfort. They have built lives so rigid that there is literally no room for a man’s self-expression. Everything must be on the woman’s terms – otherwise he is ‘taking over’ and stifling her. A guy doesn’t get an emotional or physical look in.

      In reality when two halves of a soul come together they desire the expression and experience of the other AS MUCH AS they desire their own. They want to give to their mate, to learn from them, to know them. They recognise the expression of the other half of themselves as precious and a potential way to learn more about themselves and their pure personality.

      Marina, in sincerity and respect I don’t see this attitude reflected in you, so I cannot agree that you are like AJ in any way regarding soulmate issues.

      It is only when you (or your other half) begin to develop more pure feelings about soulmates that he will be attracted into your life. This requires sincere self-reflection and a dedication to humility. It can become a type of laziness and avoidance to simply stay in the belief that ‘oh well, I’m ready for him once he sorts himself out’ (that is the feeling I felt from you in Dallas and again in this comment). The reality is that as your soul becomes more loving and accepting of your soulmate he WILL be attracted into your life – no matter what his condition.

      Anyway my sister, as my soulmate often says ‘it is the things we don’t see about ourselves that are the hardest to heal’. Hopefully my speaking up on this issue gives you the opportunity to reflect upon some of the things you aren’t seeing in yourself, especially the demands and expectations you place on the men in your life.

      With my love,
      Your sister,

      p.s. Please excuse my use of capitals here – this is the only way I can emphasise words in the comments section.

      Also, I wish to be clear that I am not in this response to Marina implying that women have all the work to do when it comes to soulmate relationships!! Regardless of our gender, until we are at-one with God we will have injuries to heal regarding our soulmate relationship and our self-concept (which impacts on how we relate to our soul mate). This includes my soulmate at this present time.

      However I have been very direct and specific here about a pattern of injuries I see in MANY women that I come into contact with.

      I do believe this feedback is relevant to Marina and by posting publicly I am hopefully providing some food for self-reflection on the part of others who may not be attracting their soul mates into their lives.


      1. Katerina P.

        I was guided to this reply by Gabriella. Thank you Mary ,we can surely all benefit from your post.!!!!

  4. sandylisasmithspirit

    Dear Mary, thank you for this message. It is so very true that when we begin to feel the gifts the joy multiplies. I have always been a truth seeker and now I am steeped in gratitude for each day as I grow in Love and awareness..and how grateful am I to have met you and Jesus when I traveled to Australia. My life is changed forever…

  5. telloutmysoul

    My facade tries desperately to be grateful, appreciative and kind to the people I want to like me but I feel my damaged self is grudging when it comes to appreciation. I have a collection of feelings aorund having a deprived childhood – deprived of love and warmth and no money to escape that reality and appear popular, attractive and someone people would aspire to be like with the latest thing. A life of fearing being exposed as poorer than everyone else and not having what everyone else had. How this leads to a complicated and cluttered adult life and ultimately being a slave to money and possessions. .I have anger at how could God have dealt me such a hand in life and others “had it easy”. In day to day life I feel this makes me greedy and desperate to appear “sorted”, None of that feels “pretty”, I don’t want to be that person.

    I do thank you both however for teaching how seemingly “petty” suppressed emotions affect our day to day lives and the hope that we can release them (if we don’t feel it we can’t heal it).. These petty day to day emotions are running the world.


  6. Alex Mrnak

    Hi Mary, i really enjoyed this post and i can really relate and agree with what you say about your soulmate being the greatest gift.

    A couple of years before i heard about AJ, i began to have strong feelings about having a soulmate and as i was growing tired of the party scene, i would regularly get into bed (after another anibriated, promiscous and unsatisfying evening) praying to God that i might meet her. I met her not long after that at a “spiritual” gathering but like you say, it wasn’t all “bells and whistles”! She didin’t look like the women i was attracted to (i felt mostly judgement at her appearance) but the intensity of the attraction between us was undeniable. She felt it too, along with anger and judgement at me being an arrogant #&*@% ! She tried to set me up with every other woman in the place but i just kept following her around like a lost puppy. She was mostly terrified and i was curious

    . I feel we both “missed the gift”, but the attraction at the soul level was too much not to want to discover the possibilities. We have been together for three years now (a major record for me) and in that time we have progressed from luke-warm to now, completely commited and progressively more desirous of each other on all levels. This has only been possible as a result of working through our emotional injuries. I often laugh at how it is possibly that two people who’s üpbringing and conditioning are so “chalk and cheese” can actually be the same soul underneath it all !

    Recently, i began working through emotions of feeling that my mother was the only perfect woman i ever knew and of losing her and this has opened my desire for my soulmate greatly. Every day i am discovering aspects of this relationship as well as the fact that she reflects everything in myself that i need to become a more loving being. We have some very difficult days (when lacking humility) but also some incredibly awesome days. I feel the gift of my soulmate is the greatest God has given me.

    Thank you Mary,

  7. marinasmartstudio

    Hi Mary,

    Thank you so much for the love, respect, and generosity in writing personally to me. I feel a bit exposed, but I am dedicated to hearing Truth, and there is a change that wants to be made in my soul, which I feel is why I attracted this comment. It is really cool on that end, for sure.

    I will say that, though I do feel I have my soulmate in my life, it is not a soulmate relationship, by any means. I mention this, in the case that some may feel that you need to heal everything to have them in your life. It is, in fact, in my case, one-sided at this point, and though I have a lot of self-punishing demons, that wanna make me feel bad for not being ‘better’ at these emotions, or for not having the type of soulmate relationship that others may have; still, I will say that I am 100% responsible for all of MY emotions. The hurt I’m imposing on him, and myself, that needs to be felt, too. So, though It is possible to be open enough to have your soulmate attracted into one’s life, it doesn’t necessarily mean it will have to be a romantic one always. I hope I am not wrong by making this statement. The biggest truth I realized, and I will keep coming back to your post often, is that if I am not dedicated and committed to healing my own soul, it is not possible to attract this relationship into my life.

    I am arrogant, needy, judgemental, and am all these things which you say. Though I have had fleeting moments of appreciation, I have not seen these gifts which you state. I feel I need a man to complete me, a multi-generational feeling that has existed for centuries. I want them to hug me, make me feel attractive, make me feel special, support me, so I don’t have to feel the lack. The worst part? There are men that would do that for me, but not the one who I share the same soul with. It’s a repellant, indeed.

    I can feel some grief and shame about the deceptive emotions that reside. I am nothing like AJ, and have not expressed unconditional love and acceptance to the other half of my soul. How can I, when it is clear I don’t love myself? I see what you have stated, Mary.

    I feel a lot pain about this.

    I thank you, again, for your love, from the bottom of my heart.

    I want to change, and wish to be be more pro-active in my development.


  8. Anita Måndeva

    I enjoy! this, thank you Mary&Marina!
    My feelings are that my soul mate (I don’t know who he is…) but I feel that he does NOT want me, therefore I Hate him! Like I really hate all men.

    So from now I will engage God in this, I don’t want to hate men anymore and I don’t want to repel my other half. This hate has to come to an end and I have put it off far too long.


  9. divinelovepath

    I engaged God in my desire to not hate men anymore, and I my prayer was answered, straight away. Then I got into the underlying fear, the fear that has made me angry and hateful towards others,just so that they would leave me alone. I learned as a baby that when there were men present there was also pain. And maybe, if I hate you enought you would leave me alone.

    Four weeks later, I’m alive, I feel a pure joy in my life. I feel my fears and yesterday I dared to tell the truth to a person that I am so scared of.
    Happy about me, about me being me,

    Blessings Thank you! Love!

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