It was sometime last year that I finally had to concede that I really did have a hard time staying present and connected with emotions and my bodily sensations on a day to day, moment to moment basis.
I can’t remember exactly when I realised how pervasive the problem was for me. But it probably happened because we spent so much time in airports last year.
Airports are like my ultimate tune out of myself and my experience zones. Up until recently when I hit an airport, not only did I immediately become vague, illogical and distant, I also had a zillion additional strategies up my sleeve to disassociate from the fear, stress and projections I experienced being there. (I’m not telling you my strategies by the way – because it’s kind of the opposite of what I’m writing about today and trust me, you just feel like a zombie woman after using them, which isn’t fun).
Naturally my soulmate had been pointing out the problem of my ‘going away from myself’ fairly often since we met. While I could recognise what he was saying was true (read: nod, agree, and then largely avoid), it took me a long time to actually want to see what a major and life-long issue it was, or what the repercussions of my constant tune-out were in my day to day life.
Last year, exacerbated by the airport merry-go-round, I finally felt how debilitating this problem was in regards to my personal growth and long-term happiness.
I began to recognise, how my problem with staying present, was affecting my ability to experience emotions – both painful and pleasurable. This lack of experience was not only limiting my spiritual progress, the key to which is my desire to feel my real emotions constantly, it also meant I had no joy in my life.
I couldn’t effectively feel anything, or deal with anything, while I wanted to absent myself from things a large percentage of the time. This meant neither significant release of pain nor the resultant relief that comes with it. But additionally, many times, I just wasn’t there enough to feel happiness of the wind on my face as we gazed at a startling view, or the enjoyment of a new acquaintance in a foreign city. Even the taste of great food was dulled by the myriad of other experiences I was suppressing as I ate it.
Beyond this, I was also very lonely. My unwillingness to be present with myself for long periods meant that I couldn’t experience deep connection in any relationship. This problem extended to my most significant and valuable relationships. Without experience of myself, I couldn’t achieve any true intimacy or connection with God or with my soulmate.
Put very simply, I came to understand two very important truths:
1. Not being present meant not really living my life.
2. Becoming present was actually the crucial first step in engaging humility on a daily basis.
Thus ‘Operation Get Present’ was born.
Today I’m introducing a new series in which I share many of the things I learned and experienced as I decided to focus on this one thing – becoming present – as my first goal every single day.
In some posts to follow, I hope to give you practical tips that helped me in this endeavour, plus convey some of the emotional and spiritual things I realised and encountered along the way.
As fair warning, I should say that blog writing, at the moment, falls a little lower on my list of priorities than many other things in life. That’s why things get a little sporadic around here. So, while I’m promising you a series, please keep in mind that entries will come as time and personal processing allows. I’m pretty sure that most of you get that! Thank-you for your understanding.
By the way, if you are stuck for inspiring reading, you should totally check out what Denis, and Paige & Kerry have been up to in Kenya. Is it completely dorky of me to tell you that, in my head, I call what these guys are doing The Awesome Adventures of PKD?
Yup, probably 🙂
Notes Along The Way 
Thank you Mary… The synchronicity of receiving the WordPress notification of your blog’s posting – “Operation ‘Get Present’ warmed my heart and made me smile. I had just finished reviewing what I had written, for reflection with my Rainbow Circle participants this week:
“It is very important to our growth and evolution to become more present in each and every moment. We spend far too much time swimming in our heads, or ‘floating out of our body’, and not enough time feeling and exploring our emotions, diving into the deeper well of our true self, entering through our heart to engage discovering the true nature of our soul, and earnestly developing our own relationship with God. Pay attention to what arises within and around you during this week. With humility and sincerity, take an active role in exploring and investigating what you are feeling at any given moment. Focus upon your heart chakra. Become self-responsible for all that you feel, and all that you are still holding onto.
Love yourself, have compassion for all that you have experienced, and continue to experience, and then turn around and do the same for every other person that you encounter. We have forgotten the simplicity of ‘The Golden Rule’ – do unto others as you would desire them to do unto you. If every human being upon this planet took the this ‘rule’ to heart, we would be the change we wish to see in this world.”
I continue to be in gratitude for your presence, and these ‘Notes Along The Way’…
Rainbow Hugs, CM
Thank you..thank you…THANK YOU!!! (i’m yelling inside!) 🙂
Perfecto timing…like always.
God is good. We are really really so loved…I can feel it in so much with how God would want every single one of us to get present 100% of the time….eek! This emotional runaway is very happy to read this post. Was scared and a bit despodent before I clicked on this link.
I was also just listening to your the audio where you channel women with anxiety. A lot of my fear of not feeling and just loving info all the time is related to this post too in my life.
Much love!
Marina
The awesome adventures of PKD? What does that mean? I googled PKD and it came up with “polycystic kidney disease”, but somehow I don’t think that’s what you mean. 🙂 Luli
ohmygosh – I am laughing so hard!
I need to edit the post so that my final sentence doesn’t appear as a new paragraph. PKD stands for Paige, Kerry and Denis. I told you it was dorky, I should perhaps have included random in that description.
But come to think of it what a great segue to good old “polycystic kidney disease”, never mentioned enough on blogs. I’ve been meaning to discuss it!
Ah that does make more sense! And you’re right, there simply isn’t enough written about polycystic kidney disease on Divine Truth forums and blogs these days. Something that should be amended as soon as possible.
That’s awesome Mary thank you! It has only been recently that it dawned on me what ‘being out of body’ meant – for me a retreat into my mind and intellect. I read an amazing autobiography called “Nobody Nowhere” by Donna Williams – it is unique because the writer is Autistic and is able to describe her ‘world’ to us. What I found most astonishing was how much I could relate to her experiences. I strongly relate to her feelings of overwhelm with my external environment, the desire to dissociate from people and how the more loving and expressive people around me are the more fearful I become. I have been guilty of projecting onto yourself and others in couple situations that well they have ‘someone’ who chooses to love them (I have kids but they definitely didn’t choose me – they just are love) so it must be easier for them to feel valued. But clearly this is just not true. So bless you for your openness and honesty.
Love
Vanessa
awesome Mary 🙂 love the photo and “The Awesome Adventures of PKD” haha 🙂
hahaha Luli 🙂 it’s even funnier when I imagine you saying that in your accent 🙂
Hi Mary, I have not read any of your postings for the last year or so, and for the last 5 months have not been aware of my feelings or processing as I have done in the past.
So I feel I am guided to for the first time to read your blog, and all I can say is a big thank you, as its so needed in my life right now, and I will read your steps or follow ups as well because I will find it very supportive for me now, thanks.
Russell
Mary
I’m really pleased you are looking at this. I feel many of us think ths journey will be an exciting adventure, which it is, but at the outset, we have little idea that what Jesus says is true, that we have shed loads of resistance to FEELING and we are going to have to have a great desire for God to navigate the choppy waters of our own avoidance techniques. We really are frightened of re experiencing and touching this pain. I will be very glad to hear what you have to say.
Hi Russ, lovely to see your name in the comments. Sending loads of love to you, Kat and Zen. Hope you find the follow-up posts helpful!
This is so me! and it is a very lonely and empty place, being so blocked to myself, God and my surroundings. There’s so much to enjoy that I’m not experiencing. Thanks so much Mary for offering the gift of what you’ve discovered.
Hi mary its the “kidney “part of the trio here,which is kinda funny as l’ve been processing terror the last day:-) Thankyou so much for this, I feel everything you’ve said relates to me & its something l am constantly working on. I felt some joy back in my life today as l processed some terror relating to intimacy, which has helped me to be back in my body & less spirit influenced. 🙂 love Kerry.
🙂 oh Kerry, I’m loving that you too can get mileage out of the polycystic kidney disease blunder. I’m still giggling about it! Love you guys and loving your adventure. xo
Thank you Mary! I have been reflecting on just this for the past week as I begin to gather a group here to form an eco village. Some say they don’t experience their feelings much of the time although they get the explanations I have given of the Divine Love path that you teach. So the first step is to be present so that the emotions can be perceived. I look forward to your next blog, thanks! much love xxx
Tuning out, I’m a specialist at this – on the computer 40hrs a week I’m well tuned out. It’s hard though, there’s a lot in me I’m trying to escape from. It was good read, and it kind of helps knowing you’ve been working on that one, so I’m really looking forward to your tips. I know it’s probably not feasible, but do you think it is possible to be actually present while having a sit down job like myself? Would welcome your thoughts. Thanks again.
Thank you Mary!! I can’t even explain the perfection of this timing! it makes me smile oxox
Whoa . Timing! Just yesterday struggled like mad to stay in my body with my anger because I know it’s important to stay in it and experience it. Managed about 5 minutes of emotional expression before I shut myself down. Years of habit and programming. So much easier to decide that being present in my emotions is simply not productive. Just put on the happy face and keep trudging forward. I love you lots and feel your love. Thanks a lot for sharing your experience.
I’m excited I have finally bought the lap top I have been promising myself for two years, so now I have software that allows me to comment, yay. I have known for a long time that I have a problem with not being present, but recently God has shown me very clearly that my problem is not going out of body but rather carefully selecting when I am prepared to go into my body, I have set up my whole life to progressively not have to feel my body and avoid taking responsibility for the physical pain created by the emotions I just don’t want to feel. Three separate people have bought up exercise with me, I hate exercise the thought of it freaks me out, so clearly where I need to go. Thank-you again Mary, for shining the light to show the way forward, and having the courage to put yourself out there with humility. Looking forward to hearing how you have gone about it, I’m sure the timing will be perfect whenever it comes.
Hi Elvira this is probably really bad blog etiquette but Ive been wondering how you were getting on after really appreciating all the questions you asked at one of the youtubed seminars and I asked around to see if anyone had a contact for you. You can probably see Ive got a blog (cringe) if you click on my name. I feel you may be writing too – or is that not yet!
Anyway hi there.
Amanda
I’ve opened communication with Amanda via her blog, thanks Mary for providing this point of connection.
Pingback: Check It Out | Dear God…