Sometime ago I wrote a poem.

It came after I had cried deeply, I’m not sure for how long. Afterwards, I sat down with my journal and, without any fore-thought or planning, out came this poem, exactly as it is written below.

I haven’t shared it before now for a few reasons. The main one being that these words came straight from a part of myself that felt judged and vulnerable, and definitely not yet comfortable with sharing very personal parts of me and my experience.

Indeed, this poem felt to be so me when I wrote it that I felt very exposed even sharing it with a few close friends.

Also, some of these hurt feelings were angry when they were first uncovered and my purpose in sharing is never to model that living and acting in anger is something that I think is worthwhile, good or loving.

In publishing this poem publicly today, I am certain that I don’t have a point to prove with my parents by doing so. In fact, strange as it may seem, I don’t even feel that it is a poem about my parents.

This is a poem about me and my journey. It came from a part of myself that felt very raw and real when uncovered and I’m sharing it now because I think that the words have a certain power because they are written with the childlike lack of sophisticated and facade that I experienced at the time.

Today, Jesus will welcome our first round of participants for the “Developing my Loving Self” assistance group. This group will address the importance of connecting to and releasing all of the injured parts of ourselves. So, it seemed apt to make this post today.

I hope that the poem might inspire you to be real and to become more sensitive to the hurt, often childlike, parts of you that are long suppressed and desperate for your attention, care and love so that they can be integrated and their pain released.

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A Poem from My Hurt Self

I never got to feel pretty

I never got to feel free

You always were the bosses

And I never got to explore me

 

I’ve never liked my body

I’ve never felt at ease

I’ve always felt as your puppy

That has to beg and fetch and please

 

Now I feel so angry

I feel I’ve lost so much

I want to take back my body

And I wish you would know the cost

 

You’ve taken such a toll on me

I feel so much regret

My life, it feels half over

And I’m not even a grown up yet

 

I want to make you sorry

Make you pay for what you’ve done

But none of that will help me

I’m in this for a longer, better run

 

So instead I’m reclaiming my body

I’m learning to say no

I’m claiming my own territory

My heart, my body, my soul

 

You are betrayers and abusers

You made me feel so wrong

to want my life, my joy, my partner

You’ve engulfed me for so long

 

It’s been hard to find myself

Amidst your needy cloud

You felt so damned entitled

I could never speak the truth aloud

 

But I am hiding not a minute longer

I’m breaking up these chains

A new girl is emerging

And taking up the reins

 

She is stronger and braver

Than you have ever been

And you won’t even recognise her

But eventually, I know – you’ll want her on your team

 

In the end you’ll turn to her

You can’t outrun your terror

And there is only so much pain

you’ll take before you’ll want to know how she could change

 

I am proud of who I’m becoming

And I don’t want your shit no more

I’d rather please my Maker

Than abide by family law

 

There is a bird within my heart

Still caged but breaking free

She is crying but also singing

She is finding a new way to be

 

I want to soar through treetops

And dip and glide with grace

I want to heal my wounds and worries

Until I find my home, my space

 

Your reign on my life is over

It’s me now, but I’m not alone

I found a friend, a lover – a fine, good man –

With the same heart as my own

 

While I want to wish you all the best

In truth, I hope one day you’ll see

The pain that you’ve been running from

And how that’s damaged me

 

I say that for your own sake

Because by that time I’ll be long gone

Soaring free into my new life

With my prince upon my arm