Category Archives: Disillusionment

Moving through the Four ‘D’s {The Great Experiment Series}

In this first series of messages I’ve chosen for discussion we often find people in darkness, despair, disillusionment and doubt.

It isn’t by accident that I chose as I did. It’s important for all of us to face these four ‘d’s i.e. darkness, despair, disillusionment and doubt. Many of us find ourselves the most stuck, faithless and desperate (another ‘d’) when we are shown our own darkness, when doubt and disillusionment rise up, or when faced with the deepest of sorrows.

Yet moving through these ‘d’s, instead of shying away or trying to go around them, is not only necessary to our progression but empowers us to face any difficult emotion.

After reading some of your responses to the last post and on re-reading this next one, I could see that many of you resonated with the themes of hopelessness and despair.

The great news is that Padgett and his friends also give us a great road-map for moving through (not around) the four ‘d’s.

Here’s what I see:

Padgett encourages his friends to open up to God simply from a place of possibility of His love. He encourages them to take steps in faith. However he never does this in ignorance or denial of all of their current doubts and fears. He never belittles their struggles, nor tells them to ‘just get over it’. Yet I find many of us tell ourselves and others these kinds of messages when we encounter the four ‘d’s.

Padgett doesn’t lecture them on why their feelings aren’t valid; he asks them to consider truth and logic, and to try it out for themselves.

Using our will in a positive direction is vital if we are to move through the four ‘d’s.

Here’s our latest discussion of a message in the Great Experiment Series.

Click here to view the message in the next browser tab.

Can you see any other clues this message provides for dealing with doubt, despair, disillusionment and darkness?

Some More Practical Tips to Not Get STUCK in the Four ‘D’s

1. Acknowledge and Own the Feelings

Don’t try to tell yourself that they don’t exist, that their presence means that you aren’t spiritually evolved or that you should be over them by now.

Instead recognise these feelings as a signal from your soul that something needs healing.

When you judge your darkness, instead of examining it, this is your attempt to shut it down.

When you try to push away doubt, instead of really allowing it, you miss the opportunity to discover the real emotions of fear the doubt is covering. Doubt is often a place we use to hide from fear, but it gets depressing and depleting to live in. When we dig deeper into our doubt, then we discover our fear and can unlock the stuck place we have been enduring.

Despair and disillusionment are tough feelings – acknowledging them helps to uncover why they are there.

Ultimately you will need to grieve the causes for all of these feelings (you know that bit right), but I see that many of us fall down, get spirit influenced, and waste time on our spiritual journey when we know we aren’t getting to the causes yet. I see people start to push themselves hard to get there, instead of recognising that there are blocks (which are also feelings) that need to be worked through in order to completely release these causes. This work of releasing blocks is so vital and important, and pushing ourselves is the opposite of sitting with our resistance and allowing it to be felt.

Sitting with our resistance to our errors feels uncomfortable. That’s usually when the pushing, self-punishment or the denial starts. We want it over with, fixed and healed very quickly, or we try to talk ourselves out of the truth of it.

That’s because acknowledging we have a problem or error in our soul and realising that we are totally resisting the experience of this error can trigger other sets of emotions. Lots of childhood terrors of not being loved if we aren’t perfect, or aren’t performing can start to surface. The only answer I’ve found to combat this (and it’s a point that probably deserves an entire post of its own) is to practice compassion with self.

Recognise that these feelings are scary and painful and give yourself time and space to explore your soul. I see many of us treating ourselves worse than we would another person in the same situation. Ask yourself, how would I lovingly treat a child who came to me with the problem I find myself in? Treat yourself the same way.

Let me say categorically that pushing ourselves never helps.

Instead we can take positive steps to acknowledge the pain; know and be kind to ourselves and to pray for sincere desire to change.

2. Remind Ourselves of Truth

Many of the Padgett messages demonstrate spirits and Padgett himself speaking with others to remind them that their fears, doubts and worries are not in harmony with the way God’s Love or Universe works.

We can do the same thing for ourselves.

When disillusionment and despair loom, dark spirits love to get in on the act and reinforce really negative messages to us. Engaging very sincerely in prayer i.e. seeking Truth from God (rather than listening to messages from spirits in lower conditions) is perhaps the most important thing we can do in this situation.

 Along with this we can seeking out sources of truth on earth via the Padgett Messages, revisiting past lessons in love or big growth changes we have made in the past, talking to people who have a higher condition of love, or listening to a seminar on the issue we are struggling with.

The use of logic is very helpful in reminding ourselves of truth. The problem with fear – and it is fear that drives the existence of all four of the ‘d’s in our lives – is that it resists logic. Fear can’t continue to reign in an environment that upholds truth.

So we can decide to uphold lives and actions that honour truth. This will trigger us into releasing our fears and pain.

Our intellect can be a useful tool to remind ourselves of truth. Even if the truth has not entered our souls as yet, if we remind ourselves of the Truths we have faith in, or have simply heart, we can base our actions on these. This is a very important step in breaking the dominance of fear over our lives (and again there is much more I could say on the topic but today I’m just giving you the

Here is a very basic, practical and helpful exercise to help if you find yourself really stuck.

Divide your journal page into two columns. At the top of one column write ‘My Belief’, in the other ‘God’s Truth’.

Work your way down the page being very honest with yourself about your current beliefs around a certain issue. Instead of writing what you think your feelings or beliefs should be, write what you emotionally believe.

Examining your actions in the area you are exploring is helpful to discover what you really believe. For example, if I say that I believe that telling the truth is the most loving thing to do, and yet I continually avoid doing it – then I must consider that either I don’t feel its a loving act, or I don’t yet have a desire to love. What are the emotional beliefs that drive the actions?

Here are a few examples:

My Belief

God’s Truth

I’ll never be able to handle my shame, pain God created me to be able to heal any injury
Acknowledging my fear and allowing it as physical experience in my body makes me a ‘weakling’. People will attack me more if I show I am afraid. Allowing my fear liberates me from it. It is strength to acknowledge and experience fear bodily not weakness. Others can harm us less when we feel our fear. We are more able to respond in love and maintain our safety when we know and allow fear.
Telling the truth to others hurts them and is not loving them. Telling the truth is an act of personal integrity – when we withhold truth and put on a façade we break God’s Laws of Love.Sharing truth enables the free will of others i.e. they are able to make more informed choices (Personal reflection after considering God’s Truth): When I don’t tell the truth its more about preventing my fear than about regard for their emotions.

Keep in mind that none of these strategies take the place of true emotional healing which is vital to our progress, however many of these things keep me away from negative influence and soften me to my fearful feelings.

Obit for Love

In December of 2008 I met AJ in passing. He was at my parents’ home to give an informal talk and we hardly spoke a few words to each other. I didn’t really listen to much of his talk and after he left I didn’t give any of it much conscious thought but our meeting sparked some deeper process in me – an awakening of a deep spiritual longing that, in my desperate, decades-long, quest to numb my pain, I had also kept anesthetized.

A week after he left our home, I bought my first official journal. One morning I got up and opened it. This was the first entry I wrote. 
There is a feeling of disillusionment inside of me – the world is full of damaged souls – causing hurt and pain. Cynical and harsh no-one is prepared to believe in anything true and beautiful, these things must surely be trodden on, tainted and weak. The power of love seems lost – a fools belief in the face of hatred and hardship.

I mourn the loss of Love, the death of beauty and hope.

I have shut it down, closed it off, left it outside in the cold to suffer and struggle.

Love – I’m sorry I left you – abandoned you.

Can I welcome you back in? Am I strong enough to support you? To believe in you in such dark, dark days? Can truth and beauty really touch all of the ugliness?

Or are we destined to carry on without you? To leave you to suffer and starve – as we carry on using vices and strife to grapple with life?

Should we become hard with a bitter taste in our mouth – striking out in anger, taking power in order to survive?

And as we struggle and fight to take our place in the world – in our corner that we have claimed – tell me who will warm that corner that we huddle in? As we shiver together – our families, our clans, our gangs – in the tiny spaces we have taken with iron fists and fear – then will we miss you?

Will we remember Love left outside in the cold and damp?

Love – we will miss her then and say SHE has forsaken US. Why doesn’t she come? We will miss her warmth and beauty and wonder why she left us – how could she be so cruel?

And so you see the world will end – tiny groups of tortured souls, huddling in darkened corners, feeding off fears and victim hood.

No-one will remember Love.

She will die and so will we all. We will descend into eternal blackness – screaming with pain, dried up with sorrow, skin tight on our bones, our teeth sharpened by years of bitter struggle and anger.

And it will all have been for nothing.

Simply we aren’t strong enough to stand for Love. WE have left HER – forsaken HER. We have seen her as weakness – to be avoided and laughed upon as a silly child’s thing, a trick of the light, pathetic and simple, to be scorned and left to die alone.

Am I the only one who remembers Love? Me, who has shut her out and treated her so unkindly. Do I have the courage to open the door? – For I know she waits just outside, cold and alone and crying for all of the madness she sees.

In fact I want to go to her outside – and cry. I see what she mourns. The crazy fucked-up world so lost that it believes it is ‘found’. All of the humanity so arrogant to think it can ‘go it alone’ without Love. Humankind, that to exist amidst the madness, has itself gone insane.

I want to grieve with Love, to join her outside and cry an ocean of regret and disillusionment.

We can sit by the door,
on the step,
in the wind and rain
and feel forsaken together.

For the only alternative is to ask her in – to give her tea in the sitting room and be willing to stand for her, to ask her to warm my heart, to ask for strength to face the insanity, to heal the pain and then to be regarded as insane myself.

I don’t feel strong enough – to face the darkness –

Will Love be there to take my hand? Can I trust her? Will she forgive me for leaving her, laughing at her? Can she really warm the shady corners of the world – where vultures circle and victims hold themselves together in packs ready to fight threats and murder?

How can the world change?

I want to sit with Love on the cold front step and mourn the death of Love.

In the past four years I’ve learned that in order to open to love again I have to be brave enough to feel all of the sharp and painful parts inside of me that are hurt and disillusioned about life, relationships and the world that we live in.  

So this week on the blog is a journey of reflection on love. 

One of my biggest fears is still opening to and trusting love again. There is a huge dam of grief inside that the healing warmth of love threatens to burst open. So I’m writing on a mission – to foster courage and trust in this process.

Join me if you desire. 

If you write a blog and want to share your reflections on love in response to each post, link your url in the comments section. Or if you just want to share reflections in the comments, you are most welcome here friend.


Arvarna mentioned this song to me a long time ago. Its so haunting and beautiful. Sometimes I hunger for love, other times my heart trembles at the thought, this song always moves me.

How To Hold a Dream

We live in a culture that regularly scorns innocence, passion and vulnerability. All too often we ‘water down’ our true selves in favour of a version of self that suits the cynical and image-focussed landscape in which we live. We are taught to view the preciousness of our childhood dreams and creativity as childish, as too idealistic and unrealistic. [1]
I was taught early that my extremely emotional and expressive self was befuddling and bemusing to my parents. I learnt to be ashamed of this part of myself.
My huge desire to make the world a better place, to extend love to others and change lives for the better, I relegated to an idealistic pipe dream after spending ten years working in our health system and over two years in the Middle East. I came to believe that to be worldly was to face the harsh facts that the world is irretrievably messed-up, that lasting change and peace is a naïve concept. I learnt to judge and be angry instead of grieve the suffering I saw everywhere I went.
When Yeshua began work on the constitution for God’s Way of Love Organisation and as we began to talk about our future vision I had to face how much disillusionment I still carry about the way our world works and how resolute I feel so many of us still are in our decision to deny God and love, to judge our childlike selves and to stifle our creativity in favour of ‘fitting in’.
It seems that to truly embody this vision of ours I must have the courage to grieve my feelings of hopelessness, my belief that the world can’t change. This conviction of mine comes not only from my experiences in the past 30 years but has its roots in a time when a great dream was lost, when Light living in one man was extinguished through murder and a group of people grieved deeply that the presence of God’s Love on earth was so brief. It lived on only in a few of us, and to a much lesser degree. Our devastation was complete and my loss threatened my will to live, my faith and my hope. It broke my heart in a way that now it seems cleaved in two. The wound is covered over by scar tissue and yet underneath is still raw and weeping and excruciating to touch.
To make way for hope and creativity, I must grieve my loss and I must also cease to regard my childlike self in the way that my parents and environment taught me to. We learn to treat ourselves harshly and with reserve to avoid the pain of our wonder, excitement and imagination being stifled and judged by others. We reject ourselves so that we do not feel the grief of how rejected we were by others in our innocent state.
Our tears will free the sparkling children, full of wonder, big ideas and dreams, who are still waiting there within us. We can all learn to be trusting children again – only this time we can come to rely on a God of Love who accepts us as we are and delights in our childlike inventiveness and wonder.
When I consider God’s Way of Love as a vehicle for me (and all of us) to reconnect to this state; as a place that will welcome our tears at past dreams dashed, and teach us to hope again with vulnerable hearts no longer afraid of loss, I am moved beyond words.
I quietly tremble and let my heart release its fear. I allow the tears of my past Great Loss.
In order to hold our dream in my heart I must repair my faith and trust once again in the power, patience and endurance of Love. I must let my tears flow and allow their tracks to create pathways, passageways that may deepen and lead me back to my excitement, spontaneity and creativity.
May the passage of all our tears teach us the wisdom of letting go of expectations and control. May it rebuild in us strong roads of faith, faith in the unfailing strength our Father and the unending generosity of our Mother.
May God bless the beautiful child within you today,


[1] Emily writes cool stuff about this here & here