An Open Heart

Hi friends,
I wrote the following post while on the road somewhere this year; just about the time we thought the media was going to start their coverage of us. In the end I think the coverage began later and I didn’t ever get to publish this post. I found it today and thought it may be worth popping up. I am so happy to say that much of the emotion that was so raw at the time of writing these words is much softer now.
The experience with the media campaign about us really, REALLY assisted me to work through some big stuff. I actually feel liberated in a way I haven’t felt for a long time! Of course now I am in the thick of some other major emotions but rereading this post renewed yet again my faith in this process and overwhelmed me with gratitude for God. Truly, staying humble to whatever process God has presented for you to feel and heal through right in this moment, creates the space for alchemy to begin to work in your life. Staying humble through the media stuff was difficult for me. I totally absented my body at times, it was stressful and I saw whole areas of myself that are still vastly wounded. It humbled me to recognise my limits to loving. But recognising them and grieving them has changed me. More change has to come before I am anywhere near as loving as my mate (he was so incredibly inspiring in his capacity to love during this time) but experiencing all this definitely increased my faith in that possibility.
And also – how relieving that I don’t have to figure out how to let people know about my identity in awkward conversation anymore – thank-you channel 9 – the ultimate ice breaker! 
Love to you all,
Mary
  
Image Courtesy of: http://www.flickr.com/photos/christopher_owen/2305522801/

Living With an Open Heart (& Shedding the Straight-Jacket of Cynicism)
This Easter, on Easter Sunday, no less, we were interviewed for the final time by the ‘cult investigator’, David. He originally approached us in December, stating that he wanted to include something about these teachings in a book. Initially, he told me that he thought we were not exploiting others and that he wanted only to do a fairly innocuous piece about us. Over the course of months the writing turned into filming and ultimately channel 7 became involved and film crews and sensation began to shroud this process.
Throughout it all I hadn’t ever been so naïve as to think that (especially as David is a Christian Minister) his assessment of us would be in agreement with these teachings or our beliefs about who we are. I did however have the hope that he would find us to be honest and sincere (as I know we are). He certainly maintained this impression i.e. one of respect of us as people and disbelief at our claims. That is until Sunday. In his final interview with us David revealed how he really feels – that I am a manipulated mouse and that AJ is a dangerous tyrant preying on others.
I respect that David is able to form his own opinions of us and even to present these on national TV (although I can’t lie – the latter bit hurts badly). What I found to be the hardest thing though was the juxtaposition of treatment of us off camera, friendly, conversational and seemingly respectful, to on camera, condescending and belittling and attacking. I respect a person who is open and transparent. This was my aim throughout the entire process. That David was not, was and is distressing for me. In the end I do feel naïve. I feel betrayed. I feel my open heart was used and manipulated. I also know that these are my feelings and I placed no demand on David or his crew to act differently. I gave them the opportunity to be honest and loving – not to agree – but to at least portray as we are. They did not take this opportunity.
My deepest distress was the way in which David treated AJ. His assertions that AJ, not only has manipulated me into believing I am Mary Magdalene, but also that he lords it over others and induces everyone around him into believing that they have been abused in their childhoods, felt so attacking and unjust. I watch AJ give constantly and see him strive with deep humility to clear his remaining errors. He loves in the most pure way I have ever witnessed and living with him I can certainly testify to how much respect and care he has for everyone we encounter.
The truth is I have long been a cynic in the ways of the world. In fact when we were first approached by David (and two other TV stations) I did not want to have anything to do with cameras and interviews.
I decided though to challenge some of my old beliefs, to change, and to engage with some members of the media. I realised that to live this path would be to approach this process with an open heart, an open mind and with a vulnerable sharing of who I am. I decided not to hide behind cynicism and fear. For what are my beliefs if they only exist in a darkened cupboard? If I am ready to relinquish them in fear as soon as someone shines a light in and says ‘What is it you are doing in there?’ were they really there in the first place?
And how strong is my faith if I cannot realise that as long as I stay humble God is teaching me lessons of Love in every moment? And that, while it may seem dark and confusing everywhere around me, that God’s Truth and Love can be a beacon to follow, even if I don’t see a destination.
And if I refuse to give a journalist am opportunity to act lovingly and fairly in his or her dealings with me – aren’t I then simply judgemental myself?
So it is going to be painful to feel mis-portrayed, sensationalised and idiotic. I really am just a simple girl. I am so terrified of upsetting so many Christians and inciting fear and drama in the lives of others. But let me tell you of a quiet gift I am being given. While none of this went as I had hoped, while they will likely choose to vilify us instead of document our lives, I can rest in the knowledge that I made a different choice. I didn’t hide myself in fear and judgement of them. I chose to live with an open heart, the heart that allows choice in others, the heart that allows for hope. And while my open heart hurts right now, there is a new awakening in me. The ugly brace of cynicism, that has held me restricted like a vice for so long, cannot increase its hold while I stay feeling. If I stay breathing and grieving and feeling I can keep my heart open to whatever awaits. (And when God is in the picture something beautiful always awaits us). This is like a new dawning for me – feeling the hurt is worthwhile because (some may say ironically) through feeling the pain I am liberated from my awful, cynical world view. When we allow ourselves to grieve we also nurture our capacity to one day hope. It was my shutting down of this process that led me into my straight- jacket of cynicism and worldliness.
I am so afraid of attack, and unworthy of attention. I am so sad at my family’s rejection. But feeling all of these things keeps me in connection with God and others and prevents me curling up into a tiny ball and cocooning myself away from life.
The show goes to air on Sunday and until then I just have to remember to keep breathing, to keep feeling.
And to remember that most often when our belief systems are confronted we do get angry. I should know! I was so angry with AJ in the first year of our relationship I left him three times. The second year wasn’t much better – I fought and refuted, I questioned and doubted, I tried to control and limit his passion and his voice (if you want proof of this just watch a old DVD – there are many tell-tale signs!!). So how can I judge others if the very same thing that angered me also angers them? Isn’t it a quality of love to allow others to feel whatever it is they feel? When we step into the process of change, very often our first emotions are anger and bewilderment. As we deal with these emotions, many times without even realising it, we have already begun the process of growth. I don’t advocate anger, but I would be a hypocrite to judge those who have it and I would be forgetful if I didn’t recognise it as a stepping stone along my own journey.
The fact that we opened our home to these people, that David and his producer stayed in our very beds and ate our (vegan) meals, was only ever a product of our love. I never hid who I was or how I felt. Although we both knew that events may lead in this sensational and critical direction (and that scared me) I recognised that if I were to truly love I would be both open and vulnerable, without expectation. We both even made a point of noting to others in our company that their attempts to convert David and Tim to our beliefs were unloving and did not respect their free will.
On Sunday a very many people are going to see a highly edited version of my life. They are going to hear from people around the world, most of whom we have never even met, but who are extremely angry with us because of the behaviour of their family members who purport to follow this path. They may even interview my own brother.
I cannot hide that this is a time of intense fear and sorrow for myself. It may challenge you as well. My only prayer is that you let this process refine your relationship, not with us, but with God. All of our noise and talk is only ever with the intent that you may truly come to know God and to experience His Love. If this next phase we are stepping into makes you doubt us that’s truly OK with me. I pray that it won’t lead you away from God.
So as Sunday looms and I feel about so many people seeing me on TV – finding myself in a place I never thought I would EVER be – I keep reminding myself of these things:
–       Trust God
–       Keep Breathing
–       Remember Love & Compassion for others – especially those who attack
(stay humble to my own feelings and I won’t become rigid or defensive, if I love myself enough to stay connected to myself I will be able to love others more, while I hold onto grief I hold onto the pain that can be inflicted through attack, when I allow myself to grieve I create space to love ALL others)
–       Don’t expect myself to be perfect
During this process of interviews that has lasted three months and triggered me on so many levels I have forgotten those four things many, many times. I am not perfect and I am very afraid. My heart aches from a deep rocky hollow within me. I have a cavern in my chest that cries out at a life without my family and a life of Truth that challenges so very many. But amidst all of this also these grows a new hope, a vision of a life without fear of how others will view me, and that place would be liberating indeed.
‘God, please help me welcome this pain so that I may know you as my true parent.
Help me to remember that my relationship with You is the one that will teach me love and that the opinions and judgements of the world around me mean little if they take me away from you.’

Its Worth It

Hey everyone,
I was given guidance some time ago that it would be worthwhile to document my spiritual and emotional progress on this Path, to demonstrate my grappling and hopefully eventually succeeding to again master this beautiful Way to know and connect to God. This blog is a part of my efforts to do that. So far, its been a great experience, to say the least! As I’ve shared at other times I’m fairly addicted to people thinking well of me and so sometimes all the blog honesty gets a little challenging for me. I hit the publish button and go into melt-down. (Think here – ‘oh my God, how can anyone ever want to even know me after they read this and know how unloving, selfish, un-evolved, slow to get it etc, I am’)
And there are the times when I receive not so lovely comments, yes sometimes even very nasty ones. Almost 100% of the comments that are cruel and lack any real respectful question or considered comment are anonymous. I feel that the internet is too often used as a way to distance ourselves from our own words, feelings. So in the case of the nasty comments I just feel my way through what they bring up. I refrain from posting hateful words when there are so many other places in cyberspace where people are able to do so.
One commenter recently told me I was self-involved, which stung, but hey as the big purple letters at the top of the page say it is ‘My Story’ so if this site wasn’t full of me what would be the point?  But seriously, I do have a big ol’ false belief that ‘If I be myself, especially my sad and hurting self, noone will love me’, so naturally there are times here (and elsewhere) where God gives me the opportunity to grieve that belief and replace it with a more Truthful newby.
I really do want to thank so many of you who have been supportive of me! Time and again I am overwhelmed and touched by each and every one of you who receive my broken, messed-up self with compassion and acceptance. Often you meet my vulnerability with your own, you encourage me, you challenge yourselves through these teachings. Truly, you inspire me and I love you all. Thank-you for helping me challenge that big ol’ false belief in a loving way. 
As time goes on I’m really challenging myself to more and more authentic and vulnerable in this space. I do want to speak more of my identity, what remembering my first century and spirit life is like and tell you the story of my life, all of it. That thought is still uber-scary but I’m feeling more and more ready to share this deeply personal part of life and feelings. Stay tuned if you are interested.
Anyway I have digressed.. My point is that I know at times, with all my sharing of the tough stuff, it probably feels a bit heavy here which is why I wanted to share with you today how awesome I feel!
Today, after a week of big time processing to feel as I do, even just a little more liberated from my fears, is so beautiful.
Just over a week ago I was hit between the eyes with a big blunt truth about still wanting rebellion and even finding rebellious boys sexy. It hurt, big time. But by simply stepping down, through all the layers, I unlocked childhood grief and shame, first century memories, and now I sitting with these terrors of loving my man truly, madly and deeply. Even as I simply own these fears, in my body, I feel softer. It feels, dare I say it, liberating in a way that makes it all worth it. That smell of a sweeter, lasting freedom is wafting my way.
So I just wanted to let you know – Its Worth It!
And even more than that – You Are Worth It!
I have the words of this blog post printed at the front of my prayer folder. I read them everyday. I thank The Kindness Girl who wrote them and I thought perhaps you might like to read them as well.
Wishing you an awesome day filled with God’s Love,
Your sister,
Mary

Reflections on ‘Lawlessness’, Confessions of a Rebel

Well its been quiet around here I know. There hasn’t been much time for words on a screen. Life has been happening thick and fast and it feels to me that in the past two months a light bulb has gone on behind a kaleidoscope of emotional baggage, fears, anger, pain, resistance, unresolved addiction and projections still very much within me. And when I say kaleidoscope I’m not really visioning one with pretty colours! To be honest it feels murky and so very, very humbling. I’ve realised how hard I still try to present an image of myself that is more developed than what I truly am. I desperately seek to have ‘gotten it’ before I’m humble to feeling it, all of it. There is a desperation to not feel humiliated, less than, or alone that keeps me clinging to addictions.

I have had to admit that in my desire to keep avoiding all of these feelings, I am not truly loving or living this path as fully as I would like to tell myself I am. For if I did embrace it, I would realise, I would know, that there is only to simply feel these feelings completely, and that love and liberation waits patiently on the other side. That I do not do this (this feeling bit) nearly as often as you may imagine, only spells out to me how much my faith is still lacking in what I speak to you all so passionately about i.e. God’s process designed to bring us home to Her.

On our trip home from Greece I was confronted with another truth about myself that adds to my resistance to God’s Way. I realised how much a spirit of rebellion, and an attraction to ‘lawlessness’ and defiance has been a part of my life, indeed a part of my character that I have taken pride in. I used to be the kind of girl who would show up at a family gathering with a twinkle in her eye and convince everyone (including Nanna) that doing a tequila shot and dancing on the coffee table was the most fun we could ever have. I could always be relied on to start the dancing or the drinking or the tree climbing or the daring act that was just that little bit out of everyone’s comfort zone. For a while there in my 20’s I was the life of the party.  

I became a ‘humanitarian’. I wore op-shop clothes, watched foreign films and went to folk festivals. I could (briefly) hold intelligent discussion on Middle Eastern politics, I could deliver to you (possibly over your delicious dinner in your comfortable home) lectures on international arms trade, infant mortality in Africa or the treatment of cattle in feedlots. I could even tell you who was to blame for it all – McDonald’s & Starbucks, Imperialism & Nationalism, foreign policy, the ignorant western masses, Bush, Blair & Howard. In my smug state of being ‘aware’ and ‘informed’ I bought fair trade products, and wanted to meet more and more interesting people (read – similar rebellious spirits who shared or had only a slightly different take on my own philosophies) and I planned to spend my entire life traveling the world and helping refugees and having ‘experiences’. I didn’t want connection, I wanted to live. And if I had any sense of sincere self reflection back then I would have had to question why I thought the two were mutually exclusive.

I was a post-modernist girl with no clear take on spirituality or life. In short, the truth is – I was angry. I couldn’t figure life out, but I felt I had to, in fact I felt driven to. I felt oppressed by my family’s emotional demands, inside I felt worthless and I didn’t want to feel either of those things, I didn’t really know how. So  I simply found a lifestyle that provided a sort of ‘socially acceptable’ way to live in my anger, the kind of rebellion that my Dad approved of. To add to that I got to feel pretty cool and worldly about it all (read – shove that silly girl who feels like she doesn’t fit in further down into a dark corner, keep her out of sight). I was feeding an image of myself that was illogical and unloving, believing it to be conscious, enlightened and educated. I was angry and lashing out in ways I didn’t even understand. I thought I desired to love and heal the world but I was full of judgement towards ‘wrong-doers’ and condescension towards basically everyone who didn’t share my views.

More than that, I found rebellion sexy. I believed that rebellion meant freedom and, wow, do I want freedom. A man whose own emotional condition validates and expresses my state of rage with the world; a man who lives in the state I have craved, i.e. the perceived freedom of no attachment, no emotional engagement, no pressure on me to give (which really means not that interested in connecting with me), well that kind of man has been my ideal.


Its been a big deal for me to admit how much these emotions are still driving my life, my attitude to relationships and most especially my connection with my soulmate, Yeshua. He, who is gentle and kind and patient with me, I push away because I still want to guard my heart. I want to demand that he live in rebellion with me so that I never have to face and feel how emotionally demanding my parents always were. I feel that my entire role in life was to make them feel whole and happy. And in the end, because this damaging role stifled the development of my own sense of self, I began to rely on them to make me feel happy and whole. It created a horrible dynamic in which I felt oppressed and smothered but also bound to them to reassure me that I was OK and loveable. So now, when AJ loves and longs for me I just want to keep the walls up. I’m terribly afraid that instead of giving me love he will be taking from me in the same way my parents did. The sad irony of such a state is that I become the person always taking reassurance and never giving anything. 

I have really understood now why all of my previous relationships have been with guys who weren’t desperately in love with me… it feels like a scary place.. 
I know that the way to heal this resistance to loving and allowing myself to be loved is to place the hurt and oppression where it belongs (in my childhood) and to feel it. Until I do, I keep expecting everyone to be like my parents, i.e. needy and emotionally demanding. When in fact I see rationally, that no-one in my life, and especially not my mate, is really like them. This is the damaging power of unhealed emotions.
I see more and more the resistance that I, and our entire society has, to just acknowledging where the true hurt has come from. I believe it is because we fear the anger and rejection from the people who we have always wanted to love us the most (our parents) when we finally feel the truth of what they did in the name of ‘love’. So instead, we live in the anger and, if you are like me, we find a way to blame God and blame society for oppressing us, instead of taking the hurt home, to the space where the real grief of oppression lives; to the little girl who doubts her own worth and feels exhausted from providing to her parents.

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My soulmate once said (slightly famously) that we should seek to ‘be in the world but not of it’


I believe he meant that while we may exist here, in this realm, that is largely dictated by fear and vengeance, we have the choice to walk as gentle ambassadors of God’s Peace and Promise here on earth; that we may be surefooted in His Grace; not full of the pain and punishment of the world but most certainly present amidst it, loving and forgiving it all.

I have felt in the past week that I don’t even want to be in the world. I don’t want to feel the hurt and potential for harm. I don’t want my heart to open wide to love and share and long and create because I refuse to be humble to the pain that is already there within it. I don’t feel that I can be free amongst the projections and rejections, the expectations and demands of the world… or do I mean… my family? Instead I want rebellion, I want to hold onto the belief that I can only be liberated while I hold my heart back. I fear being depleted by the hooks I have, the sensitivity I feel; only I do not let myself feel it is the depletion of the past that I still carry that burdens me.

It is somewhat energizing (amongst the shame and sadness) to simply recognize and own how much I want freedom. My soul literally cries out for it. In my haste to ‘grow up’ and ‘know it all’ I have believed that the sweet smell of this exotic animal, has wafted towards me as a danced on a table or smoking pot on a balcony in a far off city. Slowly I am coming to see that this scent of ‘freedom’ was merely a cheap perfume, that left me with a rash of shame and a pit of unresolved anger in my belly bordering on hatred. I have yearned to be ‘lawless’ in an attempt to break the chains that lie not only on the globe around me, but the ones concreted into deep places in my heart. I have learned that no matter how much I rebel, how much I run, or how much I mold myself into the kind of rebel that even Mummy and Daddy would ‘love’, I still feel confined, I still feel smothered and unable to embrace my true desires, lest I loose the approval of those around me. I raced out into the world to find my ‘freedom’, only to discover that I carried within me terrible feelings I could not escape. No matter how much I have tried to act out my rebellion there has remained in me the feeling that I am not free. My desire to be ‘lawless’ is bound up with wanting my daddy’s love, while at the same time I  desperately attempt to escape the burden of caring for and sharing in his emotions.
 

I am yet to embrace again in my heart the knowledge that true, and lasting, beautiful and ever-expanding freedom comes from becoming a child who loves Law. I believe that there is a distant memory of this place stored within my soul. A feeling, a remembering of joining and creativity with my mate, of a capacity to love and give that was only made possible through a willingness to be humble and respect the Laws that a loving Parent had set in place. This kind of freedom is sexy – its sexy in an alive, vibrant, and engaged way. There is a voraciousness for life and loving of your mate that sustains itself because every part of you desires to move in harmony with Love and Law and to express and share your own self with that other part of you.

My guides say it best:

‘Sister, you must come again to the emotional acknowledgement of God’s infinite Love, Wisdom and Justice in designing the laws that govern our existence. You did not always find such acknowledgment weak! On the contrary you found this reassuring, safe, you took joy in honouring and acknowledging God’s Greatness and Goodness and your own pleasure was heightened at your capacity to grow and develop in the fastest, most expansive and loving way when you recognised and obeyed His Laws. Your soulmate has remembered such Truths and experience. There is great strength in that and it is only your links to D’s emotions of rebellion and ‘tantrum’, his complete lack of desire to take any responsibility for his life or actions that you absorbed and observed as a role model that keeps you bound to your judgements of ‘lawfulness’. 

You do not trust that your true Father is good beyond measure and would not set in place laws that keep you small, weak-minded, weak or stifle your uniqueness. You have not yet come to acknowledge again that abiding by God Laws actually enhances and promotes your unique expression and passions. They, by their very nature, encourage and support you to discover the unique, magnificent, creature God created each of us to be.’

Grain of Sand

Recently we stayed with some beautiful people…..

                          and I wanted to tell you about their amazing blog… 
                                                                      (click on ‘blog’ to see it!)

   
       our trip was full of treasured things……



God’s Love and Goodness washes over the world, I am so grateful….

I borrow some words from a friend……
To You GOD
You are so vast
I am so minute
Your Love for me, I cannot understand
I have so little to give to You, as is a grain of sand
what I give to You, I give You all
I am yet to learn
Ken Scott

In a Strange Land

I dreamed I was a visitor in a strange land.

It was a place of beautiful jungles and waterfalls, of unexpected wonders and things I had never seen before.

 

I had a guide and he began to tell me all about the place, how to get along and do well.

Then he told me about the snakes. He said that there were many in this new land.

I felt a chill. I am so terrified of snakes.

He told me “The snakes here are different. When you come upon them they don’t just slither away, they stand up on their tails – so high that their eyes are level with your own and you can see their fangs clearly and their tongues flickering.”

I paled and wanted to run.

“There is no problem” he said ” This is just the way things work here. If you look straight back into their eyes, standing tall, they will understand you wish to pass and then they will turn, lie down, and slither away.”

“But this feels unbearable to me!” I cried “I love this beautiful land but I am so frightened of the snakes! I don’t know if my legs will hold me. I know that I will want to turn and run every time I see a snake!”

My guide gently taught me some more of the ways of the snake:

“This running in terror is the most dangerous thing you can do” he spoke ” This gives the snake power and makes them able to attack you. As soon as you turn and run they can chase you and bite you. The only way through the wonders of this beautiful jungle is to look the snakes in the eye.”

I awoke, pondering how I often I turn and run from my fears. Instead of standing tall, staying in my body and facing the things I fear the most; I panic, I run, I give my fear power over me and my direction.

God’s beauty surrounds me always – but in a week full of fears realised and many more approaching its easy to loose sight of this. I can not feel the beauty unless I am willing to let my fear overwhelm me.  In order to move freely and drink in the wonder of the world, I must look my fear in the eye, to know it and taste, and finally watch it dissolve.

Illustration by Eloisa

Humility – Like Learning to Breathe

In this life I never learnt to breathe. I learnt to please and all the pleasing crushed the air out of me instead of letting it in. I had bronchitis and asthma often as a child and still there are many days when a stifling lack of breath, a wheeze, has me reaching for an inhaler.
I understand it now, this not having learnt breath. It’s about the moments I couldn’t bear. I could never stop to be in the moments of my life. I was always scurrying to the next one, I was always afraid to stop moving, to stop pleasing and appeasing. My joyous instants were fraught with the fear of the one that may follow it. I never grew up learning to just inhale, exhale through the painful times, the scary instants and as I grew I learnt to chase them down with booze or anger or running away into the next ‘adventure’.
Humility, to me, feels like learning to breathe. It is finding space to feel, to allow the entire me to be present. And in this allowing me, it suddenly seems like there is room to breathe, to breathe into the moments that hurt. This new breathing makes space for me, in spite of the pressures to conform to others. It is breathing in and out through the put- downs and the push-arounds that once made me shrink myself. And as I do this there is a growing softness that feels like the rigidity is gradually draining out of me through a slow leak in my shoe.
God knows how hard this place has been for me to find. Like a caged animal I have fought myself, fought to keep running, to keep from feeling. I have screamed a silent scream of anguish caused only by my rebellion. How could I have known that this space, this living humbly, is the most precious and expansive awakening? I could not have guessed that it feels so gently nurturing and beautifully consuming.
Humility to me is not bashing a pillow, or sobbing my heart out. It is a state, a way of living, that I may embody.

Humility commences with my willingness to feel and results in me embracing everything and somewhere in the vital space in between there comes a birthing of true love and compassion.

This new filling of my lungs has also expanded how I see myself, how I see others. God has shown me our brokenness and our beauty simultaneously. There is new space in my heart; the dust covers are being tossed off disused and neglected furnishings, such as patience, giving and kindness.

I find myself surrounded suddenly by brothers and sisters, not strangers or friends. I feel a tender (and still tentative) unfurling of innocent desire towards my mate. I catch myself crying at the bright blue sky bursting with pure white cotton ball clouds. I find joy in the little things and am overwhelmed by gratitude for the great gifts God showers on my every day. I know now that humility is the soil in which our connection to all others must germinate. It is the fertile ground to which God may come and cultivate a place in our hearts.

And while I know I am still so imperfectly proud so often, this yielding to humility is like a new trend in my heart that I never want to go out of fashion.

In my stutters and starts, in this learning to breathe, I have glimpsed God. And I find myself laughing, because He’s been here all along. He’s there at every breath – it’s only me that kept running, running, running from myself, the labour of it crushing my chest and stifling every gasp for air. I left no space to know Him, to let Him fill me up, to have Him patch up all those gaping wounds I smothered and stifled and suffocated, denying them air to breathe.

All that trying to live in the ‘now’ was wasted while I, myself, stifled the very intake of air that would ground me in it. And all the old meditation, the reframing, the “its all good”s seem cheap in the face of what I feel now. The minutes are longer and richer. I am present for the first time in so long. My gratitude grows not through making the best of things, or minimising the pains of my life. It springs forth as I begin to welcome all emotions, resting in the knowledge that they help me remember my own story, my own self once squashed and discarded. My heart swells in thankfulness as I see that God is teaching me Truth and Love again. How can I not be grateful to a God who has designed laws that engineer every experience, so that I may have an opportunity in each moment to grow towards Him, to become whole again? How can I not appreciate a universe designed to teach me everything about Love once I submit to the simplest thing – my fully feeling self – something so vital and simple that once I stop fighting it seems just like breathing.
As I learn again to breathe and I make space for God to fill my lungs, to enter deep into me. And often now, as I exhale, a sweet new scent, that whispers something of love, liberation and contentment, wafts under my nostrils. Possibility and promise smell like nectar from an exotic fruit.
I give thanks for all things; I give thanks for every God gifted breath.

A Note to Those Reading:

I still have so much to learn and I know that sometime soon, I will realise that where I am now, this new type of breath, is only a glimmer of the humility I will need to truly know my Father.  This offering stems only from my desire to share with you the deeper peace I am finding through staying with my emotions, through desiring to know myself and see myself, not through the eyes of the world, but through the eyes of the One who loves the most. He loves me, its true, and in the light of His Grace I am so humbled by how much I still have to learn and grow. Thank-you today for reading my simple words. I am blessed to share this journey with you.

My Struggle to Surrender – Part II

Back in December I wrote a post about surrender – specifically My Struggle to Surrender – and I promised to get back to you about what I was learning and working on. So much has happened since then and it feels like December was a year ago rather than just three and half months. Recently I have begun to write about surrender in a whole new way and I want to share that here soon. Before I do that I thought it may be worth posting the writing I had all but finished back in December as Part Two to the original surrender post.

You may remember that I was reflecting on the space of surrender – the allowance of all of my emotions, all of the time….

I could pick up the pace, I could go to the place where I let my emotions lead, where I let myself become a teary mess for days at a time, I could surrender. This is the most rapid way to change and grow. I know intellectually that this is the better way and yet I don’t trust God enough that I will survive the tumble over the cliff; I don’t believe that I can do it.

Yeshua is helping me so much with this issue and I want to share with you some of my discoveries about my blocks and the tools that are helping me with this issue.

The Things I do to Avoid Surrender
Usually I do one of two things. The first thing I call ‘Toughing it out’. This is where I tell myself things like: ‘well I just have to feel this, this is the only way to grow, I’m just being an idiot, God made me to be able to do this, I’m just going to push on’ I try to force myself over the edge. I get all rigid and try to survive it all rather than feel it all. And, no surprises here, I don’t end up feeling very much at all.
The second thing I do – lets call it ‘Sulking it out’ – is more like ‘I can’t do this on my own, AJ can I have a cuddle?, I think I’ll have a cup of tea, maybe some chocolate, I just want to watch a nice movie’ i.e. I become needy, I seek comfort, I feel I will be able to cope if I just feel a little better.
In both cases I am avoiding my true grief, I am avoiding the place of surrender, of overwhelm. I am either ‘toughing it out’ and shutting down my vulnerability or I am ‘sulking it out’ and looking for external things to help me avoid my feelings.
Fear Stops Surrender
I know intellectually that experiencing my pain will lead to healing and growth. So why am I so afraid??
I must have a false belief about what it will be to surrender emotionally. So lets call this belief or set of beliefs my ‘block’, the thing that blocks me feeling everything all of the time. The belief must be false because God created me to be able to cope with all of my emotions.
So what are my biggest fears and false beliefs about surrender?
  1. I can’t cope with the emotion
  2. I will be completely out of control if I surrender to this emotion
  3. I will feel crazy, I will look crazy to others, others will laugh at me, or condescend to me
These huge beliefs inside of me have their origins in things I learned in childhood through my early experiences and the way my parents viewed emotions.
Its no surprise, given the state of our world, that my parents themselves have fear of their own emotions. In my childhood they treated themselves most of the time in the way I usually resort to i.e. they ‘toughed it out’. Instead of having a good cry, they taught me to get on with life and that it was foolish to spend too much time feeling sorrow or grief. So I learnt that I could feel grief for a little while but after that I was feeling sorry for myself.
I also come from a family where ‘making fun’ of others or paying a person out for their idiosyncrasies is considered good natured and normal. This is the culture in one side of my extended family. Cruel sentiments, condescension and ridicule were often dressed up as ‘having a joke’. As a kid I was labelled a ‘drama queen’ because I was so expressive and often emotional. Growing up that made me feel ashamed of my emotions, I learned to not be so ‘sensitive’ and I become a ‘joker’ too. As an adult I now have the belief that if I’m overly emotional I will be made fun of or condescended to.
Also, my parents, because they feel afraid of their own sorrow, find it hard to allow it in their children. They felt completely powerless and distressed if I was inconsolably sad as a child. They hugged and ‘comforted’ me at the first sign of tears. So little me, instead of getting the message, ‘Its OK to have a good cry, you can handle it and in fact you will feel a whole lot better when you do. Just come and see us when you’re done’ came to believe ‘Crying is scary, I need someone with me, I can’t cope with my emotions’
So, all of these early messages about emotion, have resulted in me have never having had the experience of just submitting to big emotions and the entire process is now shrouded in fear. I now feel weak, crazy, out of control and like I can’t cope when I have large emotions.
So what do I do?
Understanding all of these early messages helps me see my blocks a little more clearly.
I can feel frustrated that my parents didn’t encourage my tears but that doesn’t get me anywhere. They have their own fears and blocks to work through and blaming them and being a victim still doesn’t release the blocks that are now a part of me.
However connecting to the pain of these early memories and releasing it, reduces and eliminates my fear of those things happening again. If I have grieved being judged for being expressive and emotional I will no longer fear it. I will have worked through the emotion and know that feeling myself is worth it and if people try to make me feel small for crying it won’t effect me.
I can also enlist the help of my intellect to help me begin to challenge the false beliefs. One of the problems I have and see many people having is that we tend to ‘live in’ the emotion; we keep resisting the feeling of it and instead tell it to ourselves as a truth. I can remind myself that the feeling ‘I can’t cope’ is not the Truth, it is JUST AN EMOTION.
In fact the only way I am going to release this block is to stop believing it is the truth. The Truth is actually that;
–        God created me to cope with all of my emotions.
–        That when I feel everything I am actually most connected to myself and therefore the most in control.
–        That its not crazy to feel the emotions that are already there inside of me
When I live in the feeling ‘I can’t cope’ I actually use it as a way to control my feelings, the other alternative is to experience ‘I can’t cope’ as an expression of grief. This is the key to releasing the block.
For example yesterday when I was writing my first ever blog post I was full of fear. I was sitting at the computer typing away and every now and then I would be hit by huge feelings of terror of exposure and rejection and I would begin to feel ‘I can’t cope’. At that point I would go rigid, get up from the computer and go and do something else. My experience of ‘I can’t cope’ was almost angry; I was telling it to myself as a truth and it was a way to control my feelings.
If I had been releasing my block, I would have been typing away, felt overwhelmed and softened. I would have sat and sobbed out all of the feelings of ‘I’m just not up to this, this is all too much, I feel like I can’t cope’. My block would have been released from me as an expression of grief.
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Have a great week everyone. I’ll be back sometime to finish my musing on surrender!

These days Yeshua and I are enjoying the beginning of learning teams, listening and watching as some of you express and step into desire and we’re busy planning trips in the coming months. The autumn days are full of spectacular light and I’m feeling a quiet joy at just being together and loving God.

Blessings to you,

Mary

Welcoming Sorrow, Honouring Self

About a week ago I had a series of realisations. Like a mini power point presentation in my soul, every couple of hours ponderings in my heart, snippets of discussions with Jesus or pages I had read or written would coalesce and God would download another whopping ‘Truth Slide’ for my soul to tremble at.

Below is the list of my ‘Truth Slides’. I can’t programme html to save myself so they appear as numbered points but if you can imagine God gave them to me in this really cool cascading flow chart, every couple of hours the next slide would appear and I could feel how it snugly related to the previous one.

1. I have never really loved anyone. I have always been in addictions in close relationships.

(Do you sort of get to feel why I needed a couple of hours before the next slide?)

2. I am in almost complete denial of my true self. I have squashed my true self and all of my feelings into   a tiny ball in a dark corner of my soul. Every now and then when she tries to appear I (judge) stamp on her to make her more squished and tiny. My true self is full of sorrow

3. My inauthentic self, created to get approval and avoid my sadness is not content, confident or able to love authentically because she is created through addiction. She is needy by nature.

4. If I want to know and accept my true self I must be willing to accept her sorrow. She is full of pain. I want to reject pain but now I realise that pain is a large part of the real me. I can’t know me unless I let my grief be present and tell its story. In order to know myself I must open my arms and welcome pain.

5. Allowing my sorrow will not only connect me with my true self but it will bring about my healing. Even in my sorrow I will be able to love and give authentically because I will have reached an authentic place within myself.

6. My authentic self knows and desires her Soulmate (my inauthentic self stresses about not desiring or knowing – this is just an effect emotion) My authentic self knows what she wants and what is good for her.

In the wake of the God engineered slide show in my soul I have this to say.

We tell ourselves that the adult, invented self is strong and the protector, that the child within is weak and needs protection. In fact it is the child within that holds the wisdom, she is the one connected with her emotions, the emotions that make us sensitive to what is good, safe and wise for our well-being and happiness. Our denial of the painful feelings, created when we were harmed, suppressed, bullied or disrespected as children, desensitizes us to the passion, creativity, surety, desire and heart-trust that is innate to our fully feeling selves.

We must welcome our pains in order to know our desires. We have been taught to trust our minds and rationality (and look where it’s got us: sick, divorced, overweight, discontented, dissatisfied, unsure, cynical and mistrusting). If we can find the scrunched up part inside that holds our true self, full of pain; if we can sit with it and ask it to expand, to stretch out into the fullness of our being we will feel its pain and loneliness. We will feel its fears and losses but we also will for the first time in so long be feeling our true selves and there is so much power in a person connected to themselves. This feeling creature that we were created to be, is also aware and connected to everything around it. It feels nature, it feels others, it allows its own feelings and as a result it knows what it wants! If we desire Love and God from this space the potentials for peace, joy and fulfillment are no longer even potentials – they become realities.

The key for me is to begin to view my pain as something different to ‘bad’, ‘the unpleasant part’, the ‘please can I get it over and done with’ thing that I have to do. I want to love me and that means loving my pain because it is a part of me right now. In fact it tells my story, by allowing my pain I am honouring my story, I am coming to know the complete me. By judging and avoiding my pain I am judging the largest part of me (largest for now). I am saying to the real me ‘you are unpleasant’, ‘I wish you weren’t there’, ‘you make my life hard and miserable’.

The starker truth I have come to face is that I, the manufactured me, have made my life unpleasant and miserable and the more I fight the real me, the more miserable I become. I have blamed ‘real me – full of pain’ for unhappiness only to realise now that allowing ‘real me – full of pain’ unlocks my joy and even during the feeling of my pain she, the real me, has the capacity to love, to make decisions, to create and connect with others.

We must change our attitudes to pain. We must desire not only God but ourselves – and if our true selves come clad in pain, abuse, loss or fear we must welcome them and let their grief tell our story, for ultimately they will become our greatest teachers, they will instruct us in love. They have lived so long without it, they have felt the absence of it so acutely that, when we allow them, our darker feelings will give us knowing and make us hyper-aware of what it loving and what is not.

God, of course, will be our constant companion but at present so many of us invite Him from our inauthentic selves. We say “God, come sit for a while, come for tea and I’ll show you my best self, we won’t talk about that scrunched up part of me in the distant, dark corner down the hall because, frankly, she bothers me. I wish you would just clear her out of here, take her off my hands.”

And all God can do is smile gently and try to have us hear His response “But my beloved, this part is you and I love her so much. My Arms of Love long to embrace her – if only you would embrace her yourself.”

Humility Study Notes

Many of you who have spoken to me recently would know that I am really working at the moment with willingness towards true humility. I am praying constantly for ‘the awakening’ of my true soul condition that allows our God connection. I feel passionate about it. The reason being that, as I step into this process I have found that, what I thought would feel humiliating actually feels wholly liberating and what I thought would make me unlovable to everyone (i.e. owning and sharing all my imperfections) has actually opened me to feeling more authentic and I have received the most awesome gift – the beginning of a connection with God. 

As I began to pray and desire this process I found a book (which I also mentioned in my last post) called Brokenness: The Heart God Revives by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. The list I have pasted below has been adapted by me from a chapter in the book. I have it printed out and incorporate into my daily prayer time most days now.  Some of the words in the prayer that I have written that follows the list use a concept that Nancy refers to in the book i.e. (my paraphrase here) in order to be truly ‘broken’ or humble we must learn to become humble with others, walls down, as well as with God, roof off.

For those who attend the Wednesday group at the Wilkesdale Learning Centre we agreed yesterday to discuss the list at next weeks meeting. I’m posting it here so that everyone may have the chance to read it before then.
By the way if you have never attended this group everyone is welcome. It starts at 10.30am.

I’ve enjoyed being present with you all the past couple of weeks and I’m excited to think that we all may grow and share in humility.

Love to all,
Mary

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The following list has been adapted from the book:
Brokenness: The Heart God Revives

Humility & Pride
Proud people focus on the failures of others.
Humble people are overwhelmed with a sense of their own spiritual need.
Proud people have a critical, fault-finding spirit; they look at everyone else’s faults with a microscope but their own with a telescope.
Humble people are compassionate; they forgive much because they know how much they have been forgiven.
Proud people are self-righteous; they look down on others.
Humble people esteem all others. They have faith in the potential for good in others.
Proud people have an independent, self-sufficient spirit.
*Humble people have a dependent spirit; they recognize their need for God. They value gifts from God and from others. They do not resist giving God or others credit for the wisdom or gifts they have given them.
Proud people have to prove that they are right.
Humble people are willing to yield the right to be right.
Proud people claim rights; they have a demanding spirit.
Humble people yield their rights; they have a meek spirit.
Proud people are self-protective of their time, their rights, and their reputation.
*Humble people are able to love themselves. They do not DEMAND attention or love out of lack or fear. They do not value themselves above others.
Proud people desire to be served.
Humble people are motivated to serve others.
Proud people desire to be a success.
Humble people are motivated to be faithful and to make others a success.
Proud people desire self-advancement.
*Humble people desire to promote love and God.
Proud people have a drive to be recognized and appreciated.
*Humble people recognise their relationship with God is their primary relationship. They are humble to feelings of unworthiness and sensitive to when they may be becoming arrogant.
Proud people are wounded when others are promoted and they are overlooked.
*Humble people are eager for others to get the credit; they rejoice when others are lifted up. They are humble to their feelings if overlooked and turn to God with these feelings.
                                          
Proud people have a subconscious feeling, “This ministry/church is privileged to have me and my gifts”; they think of what they can do for God.
*Humble people know that the true way to teach or ‘minister’ is through humility and demonstration of God’s Grace. They are not afraid to expose their true selves. They realise what God does for them in every moment, especially when teaching others. They recognise all Truth comes from God.
Proud people feel confident in how much they know.
Humble people are humbled by how very much they have to learn.
Proud people are self-conscious.
Humble people are not pre-occupied with what others think of them.
Proud people keep others at arms’ length.
Humble people are willing to risk getting close to others and to take risks of loving intimately.
Proud people are quick to blame others.
Humble people accept personal responsibility and can see where they are wrong in a situation.
Proud people are unapproachable or defensive when criticized.
Humble people receive criticism with a humble, open spirit.
Proud people become bitter and resentful when they are wronged; they have emotional temper tantrums; they hold others hostage and are easily offended; they carry grudges and keep a record of other’s wrongs
Humble people give thanks in all things; they are quick to forgive those that wrong them.
Proud people are concerned with being respectable, with what others think; they work to protect their own image and reputation.
Humble people are concerned with being real; what matters to them is not what others think but what God knows; they are willing to die to their own reputation.
Proud people find it difficult to share their spiritual need with others.
Humble people are willing to be open and transparent with others as God directs.
Proud people want to be sure that no one finds out when they have sinned; their instinct is to cover up.
Humble people, once Humble, don’t care who knows or who finds out; they are willing to be exposed because they have nothing to lose.
Proud people have a hard time saying, “I was wrong; will you please forgive me?”
*Humble people are quick to admit failure, to feel the cause of their unlovingness and to seek forgiveness when necessary.
Proud people tend to deal in generalities when confessing sin.
Humble people are able to acknowledge specifics when confessing their sin.
Proud people are concerned about the consequences of their sin.
Humble people are grieved over the cause, the root of their sin.
Proud people are remorseful over their sin, sorry that they got found out or caught.
Humble people are truly, genuinely repentant over their sin, evidenced in the fact that they forsake that sin.
Proud people wait for the other to come and ask forgiveness when there is a misunderstanding or conflict in a relationship.
*Humble people take the initiative to be reconciled when there is misunderstanding or conflict in relationships. They are loyal to the principles of love and truth first and always and do not allow pride to prevent them from admitting a transgression.
Proud people compare themselves with others and feel worthy of honour.
Humble people compare themselves to the holiness of God and feel a desperate need for His mercy.
Proud people are blind to their true heart condition.
*Humble people walk in the light – they fully face their true condition and reach out to God from that space.
Proud people don’t think they have anything to repent of.
Humble people realize they have need of a continual heart attitude of repentance.
Proud people don’t think they need revival, but they are sure that everyone else does.
Humble people continually sense their need for a fresh encounter with God and for a fresh filling of His Spirit.

List adapted from http://www.reviveourhearts.com/pdf/uploads/TheHeartGodRevives.pdf
Notes with * beside have been altered from the original text by me. The word broken and brokenness has been replaced with humble throughout.
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“God please help me to be Humble before you today and everyday. Teach me to live with the walls down and the roof off.
I desire to be near you and to bring glory to you. Help me to be humble to my failings and pain so that I may never cultivate addiction and instead live in the shadow of your love every hour and moment of my life.”

A Book List

So I read a lot these days. I always used to as a child and teenager, then I went to university and it all but killed my joy in reading and writing. I used to write a lot as well – poems and stories – in notebooks and on scraps of paper. I’d be out walking and inspiration would hit me. Weeks or months later on I might find a poem scrawled in the borders of a National Parks walking map or a scrunched up serviette. I used to copy down the words of others as well, quotes and phrases, and paste them up all around the house, especially in the loo! My Mum and Dad used to laugh good naturedly at all my ‘inspirations and sayings’ hanging about our home.

Lately I rediscovered my passion for reading and writing (and for God and Love). I think the first two are a by product of the last two! Reaching for God and for Love again has brought me closer to the more pure me (don’t you love how that works?)

Anyway down to the point of my post today – I wanted to share with you some books and blog posts that I have read and that I find inspiring. I want to clarify that just because I’ve included a book or a blog doesn’t mean that it necessarily upholds the teachings of the Divine Love Path. Each title is on the list because it moved me, and nurtured my growth in some way. I found when I began to pray for guidance and truth more sincerely I was led to certain books at times when they were most beneficial to me. Can I suggest that if you plan to read any of the books below that you let yourself be guided to particular ones? I feel they will resonate or move each of us in different ways at different times.

So while I don’t necessarily endorse the views on God or emotions that are expressed in all of these books, I do want to honour every single author, their courage, their vulnerability and their gifts. Oh how I wish I could express myself in the perfect simplicity of some of these authors! (By the way, I’ve been cruising some blogs lately and I gather that, for the main part, the way to be a chic, informative, and appealing blogger is to keep it succinct. I apologise to you all – I do not possess this knack. Maybe it’ll come back to me as I get closer to God. I am, as yet, so verbose!)

Also I’ve added hyperlinks for most titles in case you want more information on the book i.e. publisher, ISBN etc.

Relationship With God

The Padgett Messages (available at www.divinetruth.com or here)

There is just so much wisdom and truth in these pages. Each time I return to them I find more and more to ponder and feel about. Truly food for my soul.

My feelings about the Padgett Messages haven’t always been like this. To be honest when I first went to read them I found it difficult.It all seemed very repetitious and my concentration often drifted. Recently I have returned to them with a passion and find every message rich with meaning and emotion. It’s like I’m reading a different text. The truth is I’m reading with a different heart! If you are struggling with the messages can I suggest something that got me restarted in reading them with gusto? I picked up the Little Book of Truths and just read a few short excerpts at a time. I prayed both before and after each message and sat with my journal and asked God to help me understand the true depth of meaning in the message. It really worked for me.

What’s So Amazing About Grace by Phillip Yancey

Its. Just. Awesome!

The Shack by W.M. Paul Young

I read this book quite a while ago and it really helped me to open my heart to an emotional connection with God.

Brokenness: The Heart God Revives by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

Through the Mists by Robert J. Lees

Emotions

Healing Through The Dark Emotions by Miriam Greenspan

I have to confess that I am only half way through the first chapter of this book! The fact that I have already put the title on this list should attest to how enthusiastic I feel about it. Similar to when I discovered Alice Miller its refreshing to feel that someone else out there is telling some truth. Its truth that AJ & I talk about all the time but in my stuck times I find that just the reading of such books is supportive and encouraging.

The Heart of the Soul by Gary Zukav & Linda Francis

I found the chapters ‘Boredom’ & ‘Pleasing’ especially relevant to my life.

Feel the Fear… and do it anyway by Susan Jeffers

The strategies Susan outlines for dealing with fear are very much Natural Love techniques and I have not applied any of them – however what Susan states about the nature of fear and how it controls our life really helped me.

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown

Brokenness: The Heart God Revives by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

I’m really in love with this book at the moment. I’m not entirely in love with the concept within it that love = self sacrifice but I do feel there is a lot to be gained in taking a look at our pride and demanding attitudes that are not qualities of love. The concept of brokenness before God and others is something I pray about daily.

Loss of a Loved One

I Will Carry You by Angie Smith
I cried on nearly every page of this book. The themes trigger very personal things for myself but apart from that Angie is a gifted and vulnerable writer. 
 

After You – Letters of Love, and Loss, to a Husband and Father by Natascha McElhone

Soulmate Relationship & Sexuality

Are You The One For Me? by Barbara De Angelis
For me the really valuable thing about this book was the insight it gave me into the addictions I have had with men in previous relationships and how willing I have been to overlook simple issues of love.

Female Chauvinist Pigs – Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture by Ariel Levy

Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot: Not Your Mother’s Orgasm Book! by Deborah Sundahl

Eh hemm.. so I want to clearly state that I DO NOT ENDORSE EVERYTHING IN THIS BOOK! Specifically I do not agree with the practices of seeing ‘sex therapists’. I do however agree that our vaginas (for those of us who have them!) store much emotion and connecting to these emotions brings about healing and increased sexual function. Some of what Deborah shares I found to be very relevant to my ongoing sexual healing.

The Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler

Family Relationships & Childhood Emotions  

The Drama of Being a Child (previously publishes as The Drama of the Gifted Child) by Alice Miller

Other Alice Miller Titles:    The Body Never Lies
                                          The Truth Will Set You Free
                                          Thou Shall Not Be Aware
I think many of you have heard me speak, write or recommend Alice Miller enthusiastically – enough said – she’s brilliant.

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward

Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride

Well worth the read with some excellent emotion focused activities in the back of the book that can help anyone explore their relationship with their mother.

Homecoming – Reclaiming and Championing your Inner Child by John Bradshaw

Spirit Life

Thirty Years Among The Dead by Carl Wickland – Unpublished – Free Download @ www.divinetruth.com

The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold

Practicing Love

Radical Hospitality by Father Daniel Homan & Lonni Collins

I love this book! Its not about nice meals and fancy linen – its about hospitality that extends to all strangers and originates in the heart.

Helping Kids with Emotions &/or Relationship with God

‘When I’m Feeling…’  Book Series written and illustrated by Trace Moroney

 

If you are interested in books you may like to bookmark this page as I will update this post on an ongoing basis.

Happy Monday everyone,

Love

Mary