Vilhemina

Just before we hopped the planes back to Gothenburg, we stopped for lunch in the tiny town of Vilhemina. This is the town closest to Heligfjall and where Per heads up the school.

Eva and Per have been renting an apartment there before the move to Heligfjall (which happened just weeks before we arrived). The apartment looks over the lake and I marveled at Eva’s very healthy looking orchids seemingly impervious to the extreme cold in the visa behind them.

Heligfjall.

Our days at Helgfjall are spent exploring the property which has its very own bakery, sauna, barn, cellar, lakehouse and cabins apart from the main house where Eva and Per stay and the 100 year old cottage that AJ & I sleep in.

We spend hours discussing this idea of ‘Learning Centre’ and gradually without us realising it, it seems that the Centre shifts from an idea to a living thing.

Per, AJ & Rita – the bakery in the background

By the stream

Per, AJ & Anna dig to the cellar

We gather with the others to make a meal and talk for hours about what it means to live our lives in testament to the Truths we already know, and how we may teach though living example.

Late one afternoon (just before dusk at 3pm) AJ & I don snow shoes and walk out into the woods where huge birch trees reach up tall to the sky while heavy snow tugs their branches earthward.

into the woods…

We still ourselves and let the silence envelop us. Eva & Per call this place a ‘church’ and I feel their meaning.

There are already many messages for me this trip but so far the reoccurring tug on my soul is about how seldom I make space in my life to deeply long for God, to let Him Love me. In the quiet, pre-dawn hours where jet-lag finds me alert and alone I quake at the potential of this connection with Him. I am surprised to find how much I still fear His Love. And here again in the snow subdued woods, at the place named ‘holy’, I know again that God is always there – between the moments, in the space, His presence, His Love, like the hulking calm and peace that immediately surrounds us in the snow subdued woods…. He waits – a quiet immense presence ready to envelop us in Love the moment we invite Him into our hearts.

Mine these days is a trembling heart, awake to possibility, enlivened by the passion in those we meet, awed by the Infinite Care I feel guiding my life. It is a heart that feels so humbled by the Love that I must breathe deeply here in the forest. I must breathe to stay present and not run and hide like the small, unworthy child I believe myself to be.

Brave.

The bears are sleeping at Vilhemina, hunkered down, preparing to raise cubs in the spring.

We arrive at night by propeller plane.

It is snowing as we cross the tarmac and I am grateful for the jacked loaned to me by one of our welcoming committee in Gothenburg this morning. We have travelled all day; on three separate flights, joined by friends along the way.

Anna & Anna join us in Gothenburg

Joy & Rita join us for the final flight from Stokholm to Vilhemina

on the tarmac

Eva meets us and bundles us into a warm, waiting car to cover the distance remaining to her and her husband, Per’s, new home.

We wind our way along a road lined with birch and fur trees, their branches bravely holding up under the 40cm of snow that has fallen in the past week. Ice and softly falling snowflakes reflect the light from the headlights as Eva drives us north.

Already I know that we have landed in a wonderful place, so strange, striking and crazy beautiful.

It takes us 40 minutes to drive to ‘Heligfjall’, which means holy mountain in the language of the indigenous Sami people. A people who believe, that no land is ever owned except by God.

Heligfjall lies in south Lapland, just a few hundred kilometres shy of the arctic circle. It is the place that our friends, Eva and Per, have chosen to make their new home and to create a place of learning and growth they hope it will become a Gods Way of Love Learning Centre.

We turn into an arching driveway that just last week bore the prints of a passing lynx, and the small 2WD car fails at this final leg. So we walk to the house in the snow, dry, white and thick below our boots, and still falling gently upon our heads and faces. Per greets us with a warm hug and we pass into the kitchen complete with combustion stove and candles burning.

We have been up since 4 am and by now are bone tired but still we sit in the cosy kitchen for hours more, till past midnight, listening to the story of this couple and their adventures and turmoils of the past few months.

Per has spent his life a company man, a successful engineer working for a large car company. He has been accustomed to working amongst men and machines, to variables, which are concrete, controllable and fixable.

He tells us of a decision he made to finally remove the armour around his heart and soul, and to and heal emotionally. Within a few short months, this man with a Masters degree in Science but no experience in classrooms, now finds himself the Principle of a local high school. In this tiny outpost of community, where the local industries are fishing and hunting and teen pregnancy, unemployment and alcohol abuse are common, Per has challenged himself to become a leader and a creator of new possibilities for the youth that frequent his new office. His days are now filled with different, less controllable variables and he will freely admit that the armour is challenged and falling away.

As Per tells his story I can feel what a gift this tiny school has been given. These people, this community has engaged his heart. What better gift to offer youth but a leader who is humble? A person who listens not just to the nuts and bolts of their stories but one who feels the nuance and hardship and wants to work with them to find new solutions.

And we all reflect on the perfection of Gods Laws that always bring us exactly what we need in order to heal and serve well. The gifts are ever present and if we only trust in a Wisdom far greater than our own, not only do we receive but so often the opportunity to give our own gifts is created.

My heart nearly bursts at the beauty and power of God to alter our souls towards joy if only that we follow our hearts in humility and a desire to love. But such journeys commence with sensations that feel like risk, and loss, and it is too easy to panic and clamour to know what next strange thing may lie just over the horizon. Courage is needed to take our first steps outside of what is comfortable and familiar, and I believe we will be called upon again and again to dig deep, and breathe hard and have faith. We may quake in our boots many times if we are to stay the course.

We finish our tea and smile at our friends. These people are brave – and it inspires me.

Eva and Per will tell you such things are not comfortable or easy. But their growth is evident and adventure hangs like an excited newcomer in the air at Heligfjall.

Trees. Sunshine. Us.

There have been some peaceful moments this last month.

We’ve spent many hours together alone – talking, crying, planting trees, tending gardens and growing a new thing called ‘us’.

Summer breathes golden all around. The days are long and hot.

Butterflies make daisy chain flights from wildflower to flower.

Lazy monitor lizards bask in midday sun and crickets and tree frogs chorus us as night drains the heat of day into cool breezes.

I touch the trunk of the old mama mulberry tree who has seen more seasons on this place than us and I finally breathe in deep.

I breathe in life, I breathe in choice and opportunity.

I exhale more at peace with a life so unexpected, unusual and rich. I am content.

There is still so much unknown in this chrysalis life, so many corners of this soul still uncharted. I feel it is only now that my journey is beginning. A choice to live God’s Way and not my own.

I am so, so grateful for all that I am Given.

Tomorrow we leave on a six week adventure to share Divine Truth in Sweden, Greece, England and Texas.

I’m often challenged to just stay breathing when we travel. In the past I have been quick to run and hide behind my façade.

So my prayer as we pack is to receive this trip as the gift that it is – an amazing opportunity for me to walk the Way, to be humble to every experience, especially those that may push up against my demands for control, for justice or for space.

I’m doing my best to pack this suitcase full, not just with winter woolies, but humility as well.

I’d love to bring you along on this trip. I hope to be able to share some of the moments in each place with you here.

And to those who we plan to see that I have only met online before – how exciting! I can’t wait to meet you!

Fear Is Not Our Ruler!

Wow! AJ & I just arrived home after a full day of absolutely awesome auditions for our first God’s Way of Love concert to be held tomorrow.

I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge all of you who auditioned. It was so amazing sitting in that hot, dusty and very ordinary hall, feeling the buzz build throughout the day and watching something extraordinary unfold. Thank-you for following and sharing your passions. You inspire me.

I loved the little rush of ‘invincibility’ I observed in many of you realizing that you were bigger than your fears.

It reminded me of an important Truth, that positive possibility can only grow and creativity is free to come out and stretch her legs whenever fear ceases to rule our lives.

As AJ said tonight “Today was a good day. Its always a good day when people challenge their fears”

You are all so brave and so talented to boot. Look out world!

For anyone interested in attending:

Gods Way of Love Concert – Sunday 8th January 2 -4 pm at the Murgon hall – open to all.

Free admission with a free supper provided by the Hospitality Team to follow.

In Order To Be Truthful

A poem by
Michael Leunig

In order to be truthful

We must do more than speak the truth

We must also hear the truth

We must also receive the truth

We must also act upon truth

The difficult truth

Within us and around us

We must also devote ourselves to truth

Otherwise we are dishonest

And our lives are mistaken

God grant us the strength and courage

To be truthful

Amen

Live From the Heart: Steve Jobs, You Are Already Naked

Steve Jobs, co-founder of Apple, passed away this year. At the time Brene Brown shared a link to a speech Steve had given at a Stanford Graduation ceremony.

Steve is eloquent in his message. He needs no paraphrase. But his words caused me to reflect on so many things!

Steve dropped out of college but he hung around to learn.

I find this so inspiring since most of my life my sense of duty has stifled my joy in learning. I’ve mostly been too concerned about doing what I perceived was ‘good’, passing the exam and making people proud to truly embrace the joy of expanding my mind and my horizons.

I landed at university, with one of the highest OP scores possible and an absolute bundle of emotional hang-ups. I immediately felt so intimidated by an environment seemingly full of incredibly smart, together and worldly people that I forgot that I actually seemed to do quite well with my own brain before then. I was so overwhelmed that I coped out and rebelled.

My allegiance to the call of ‘doing what I think is expected of me’ remained intact enough to keep me passing my courses but I skipped lectures, partied (far too hard) and tried desperately to avoid my extreme sense of insecurity about my brain and my worth by delaying all study to the very last minute.

My joy at learning often popped up during that final week of cramming when I would discover course content for the first time. My fascination for physiology, child development and the miraculous powers of healing and repair inherent in the human body had only minutes to be savoured before they were overshadowed by my intense panic at the lack of time to memorise these wonders and the terror of failure, which would cement in me the belief I was so desperately trying to avoid – ‘That I’m just not good enough to acheive anything in life.’

Steve did it so differently and his story opens my heart a little to my grief at how much my own hang-ups have prevented my child-like interest in discovering new things.

By staying open to learning for its sheer enjoyment Steve stayed connected to his soul and his story highlights the benefits of trusting the wisdom of your soul’s passions (even if you don’t quite know where they will lead you!)

When he dropped-in on a calligraphy course Steve had no idea how his fascination for the art would fit into his future life or career. He just did it because he loved it. Later his knowledge of calligraphy would prove to be extremely helpful in his lucrative career. But when he attended the course he neither knew this nor cared. He simply followed his passion.

I find that God is teaching us this lesson constantly. He can reach us when we live in our souls – that passionate, creative, desirous part of our selves.

When we live in our soulful place He can Love us, Inspire us, and also Correct our errors far more rapidly. But when we hang back, always trying to get it right, to be perfect to figure it out before we begin, we lock up possibility, change and growth.

Trusting our passions and following them towards a destination we can’t see right now can feel risky, and sometimes crazy, but Steve’s example demonstrates how beautiful the process can really be.

Steve simply suggests “Find what you love and do it”

As I’ve mentioned my own life has most often lacked this kind of simplicity. Instead its looked something like this:

Find what I love -> Try to get everyone else to love it or at least approve of it before I’ll really go for ‘it’ -> Worry that I’m not good enough to succeed at ‘it’ anyway -> Try to find a small achievable version of ‘it’ so I’ll be ‘safe’ while I try to live a happy life -> Worry (some more) that no-one will get me or ‘it’ and I’ll end up all alone -> Agonize that I really want to do ‘it’ but I’m just not capable or good enough and so on and on… you get the picture..

I see now that there is so much power in simply doing ‘it’. Yes, sometimes my fears will be realized, it may not go perfectly, but I will be engaged in a thing I love.

And besides, there is nothing like facing a few fears to change our perspective and help us grow!

All of my anxiety, self doubt and need for approval has limited my life so much. I have wanted to be perfect before I began (mainly so I could hold onto the false idea that that way everyone would still ‘love’ me).

Now it feels like such a waste!

So as this new year approaches, I’m trying a new tack. I’m finding what I love and charging towards it, full of the knowledge that this way God is going to reveal to me both my errors and strengths. So far its hair-raising but also, in sweet moments, breath-taking in its beauty.

As Steve suggests “You are already naked”

This past year I’ve focussed much prayer on a desire to become more real. But honestly I’ve still been grappling with the ‘good girl’ facade I’ve worn (with varying degrees of success) for most of my life. Its been tough to let go and see how much of ‘me’ I’ve generated in order to feel safe and ‘loved’.

What I’ve learned is that the biggest thing I’ve lost through investing in how I’m viewed, in trying hard to be liked, is my connection to myself.

What I have perceived as the worst thing there is to loose, i.e. the approval of others, has caused me to loose my own perspective, my knowledge of myself and what I love and want. My life has been crowded with the desires of others and none of my own.

I’ve come to see that living emotionally ‘naked’ takes courage (at least for me) but that it is so, so worth it. There is rest to be found once we step off the fast-paced treadmill of always trying to maintain a facade.

To me living ‘naked’ means no longer denying my desires and dreams in an attempt to avoid shame, fear or rejection. It means honouring my feelings and my self in my relationships with others, not suppressing them in order to make everyone happy or to avoid my own fears and embarrassment.

In a naked life I am unapologetic in living in a way that I believe in. I don’t shy away from my hopes or disappointments. I don’t hide my light under a bushel, nor do I make out I’m prettier/ more accomplished/ more together/ wiser than I really am.

The truth is that we are already naked in the eyes of the One Who Made us. There is no point in hiding who we are or what we really want. Entering a relationship with Him requires our humility, our willingness to be ‘naked’. For only when we see ourselves as we truly are, in our truth and error, can we be Shown a way to grow towards Him once again.

Bless you Steve, may your adventures in the spirit world (where we are indeed naked) be rewarding and full of new invention!

The Gifts of Truth

I’ve been feeling inspired lately, recognising that

Change is possible

There is a quiet joy and celebration in me, as I notice “Wow, I’m different”

These are little changes, but they inspire me forward.

I am steeped in the quiet knowledge that

Courage is required if we are to truly Change

This quiet mantra is with me now. Not as an overbearing demand “You must change! You must grow!”

The cries of “If you don’t grow you aren’t worthy, if you’re not perfect noone will love you!” that have plagued me in the past are gone or fading.

Instead there is desire to change and grow. A deeper knowledge of Grace. And an understanding that

When we live in fear we loose sight of change

When we substitute fear for Truth in our lives, fear becomes our ruler, it restricts us, controls us, and limits our capacity to change. In fact fear screams at us “It’s not possible!” and without Truth we have nothing to combat the command.

I can see that the changes in me are only happening because I am growing a sincere desire to not only receive Truth about all things in my life, but also the willingness to live in Truth and to honour Truth at all times. This is where the courage bit really comes in!

But as always, when we step into more harmony with God, there are gifts.

I am finding, through my living and not just my thinking, that

One of the gifts of Truth is trust.

When a person is loyal to Truth – always and no-matter-what – the people around them can trust their word and their actions. A gift is born – the gift of closer bonds and deeper intimacy.

When I have the courage to live in Truth I literally feel the warms of God’s Love and Laws supporting me. Our relationship – the magic connection between me and my Creator (how humbling it is) – can truly commence. It is enabled by my willingness to acknowledge that it is He, not I, that controls how this Universe and the course of my life runs.

Fear, that harsh tyrant, would have me believe that I must control and protect every aspect of myself and my life, or all will be lost. This position places me, not only in opposition with all of the Loving Laws that God has created to guide me home to Him and who I truly am. But it also, in its arrogance, says that I must be the creator of who I am and what I become.

The Truth is something far more magical.

The Truth is that a Greater Hand than mine created me. He imprinted within me the design for a creature that I, in my current fear bound state, cannot even imagine. I must only surrender to His Love and Laws to enable the more beautiful, creative and loving creature to be born.

Or it would be truer to say

I allow myself to be born again.

All of this grows, this trust in my Father, the deeper intimacy in my relationships, through my honour of Truth and thus my refusal to accept fear as my ruler.

Trust can only grow as we live in Truth.

In this season when there is such an emphasis on ‘gifts’ my wish for you, dear reader, is that you may begin to receive the gifts that Truth can bring to your life and to know that all things are possible with the One Who Loves the most.

An End to Lollypop Love and the Launch of ‘Live from the Heart’ postings!

Just a quick note to those of you who wrote to me and said that you would like me to stop blogging:
I make no apology. I know that you aren’t into our teachings at all, but something we do talk about a lot (and I believe it’s a fairly highly valued feature of most people’s lives) is free will. Apparently some of you don’t recognise how this applies here, so I’ll try to break it down for you. Basically, you have and I have, this free will, which means – I am free to write what I want and you don’t actually have to read what is written here. I’m not spamming you with it; I’m not forcing it on you in any way.

Perhaps some of you are a little lost for other things to look at on the internet so maybe I can help you out. I’ve posted some links that may be fun (don’t worry they don’t mention God, or the Divine Love Path… although I guess some of you just want to find more stuff about us so that you can rubbish us some more… and that, according to the free will concept, is totally up to you.. I must admit it seems like a bizarre kind of sport or masochistic pass time to find something you hate, but that doesn’t actually invade on your life in any way, and to then spend your days immersed in it, attacking the thing or person.. when you could just go do something else..?? logic anyone?? )

Hope you all can appreciate I’m feeling a bit light-hearted about this issue today – and my comments are made in such a spirit!

Mary

FB & Me

My short disclaimer to precede this post is that what I am about to share is simply my feelings about my injured relationship with the social networking phenomena called Facebook, often affectionately referred to as FB. It is not meant to be a damning commentary on its existence or a blanket generalization about how everyone uses it!

A few weeks ago I deleted my Facebook account. Facebook seemed very concerned to let me know that I could simply deactivate my account and not delete it – and was I sure I wanted to delete my account? I gladly checked the little box ‘yes’.

When Facebook fever first seemingly struck the world I was living in Scotland and I remember saying ‘My gosh, I couldn’t have a page devoted to my ‘face’!’ But one thing led to another. I sold it to myself as a way to stay in touch with the faces that I had known in far-flung places and to those that I was once near to.

As time went by I began to love seeing everyone’s photos and days so easily. In general I’m so interested in people – I love hearing what makes them tick, what they care about and how they change – and Facebook helped me know more of those things (or so I thought). I liked seeing infants grow into toddlers, and I could wallow in nostalgia as I clicked through shots of old lives and escapades.

Since then however lots of things have changed.

I’ve learned a lot about nostalgia[1]. I’ve moved the landscape of my life to a remarkably different vista. I’m changing and what I want is changing.

Lately I began to think about fairly floss[2] when I visited Facebook. Each visit was full of lightness and colour and news that used to give me a little sugary rush like I was ‘in touch’ with others and their lives. But there was a crash following the sweet high. There was nothing in my belly, or heart, only my head was buzzing with text and image. Instead of feeling like I was adding to my life by visiting my account, I felt was loosing life, loosing energy, loosing time.

I was ‘keeping up’ with the lives of people I cared about but it sure didn’t feel like being in a real relationship with them anymore. I began to ask questions like: I know the details about the lives of people I haven’t spoken to in over a decade, but does that mean I know them? Why do I spend ten minutes looking at someone’s wedding photos without communicating with them? More than that, why did I spend ten minutes on this and not on responding to an email or not digging in my garden?

Having all these Facebook friends was a lazy way for me to be a voyeur. I could visit photos or status, I could see what my ‘friends’ had done on the weekend, just through the click of a button but where was my heart connection to these people? Did we still even want to know each other?

And if I really did love these people, why wasn’t I calling them or emailing or visiting? It began to feel very fake and superficial.

How much of me wanting to ‘know’ as these people and see their lives on a screen headed with blue was actually me wanting to avoid my own loneliness?

When we eat a lot of refined sugar, our systems become exhausted because sugar actually depletes the energy of our system. In that process our bodies often crave more and more sugar. We crave the sweetness with increasing veracity to help us avoid the crash that inevitably comes to signal the effect we have just created in our body. We are actually starving for real nourishment. Our body is trying to tell us something but if we aren’t careful we end up feeding it with more and more junk and avoiding our own sustenance[3].

My relationship with Facebook came to resemble this effect. It was the way for me to avoid my emptiness and longing for real relationship.

I believe that we live in a world so depleted by a lack of true connection with each other, that hitting the ‘refresh’ button can feel like asking for another ‘hit’ of sugar to avoid the starvation signal our soul is emitting. At least that’s what it began to feel like for me.

I look around me and I see that much of society seems embroiled in a fast paced life where we are all so crazed to avoid the ‘crash’. It’s gotten so bad that we now require a constant news feed, like super sweet candy, a string of endless updates on what Danni is eating for breakfast, what Mike is wearing and where Anna is at, all so that we can feel like we are in touch, involved and yes even that we are loveable. Somewhere in the generation of cell phones and tabloid media and oh so much immediate gratification we have lost what we are truly here for – that is, to connect to true ourselves, to live from our hearts, to dream big, to create, (and to use the gifts of technology and progress to serve us in these pursuits).

On Facebook it’s easy to put our ‘best face’ forward. It’s easy to look great and have it all together. But my life often looks messy. I realised that my heart felt tired from my attempts to look all witty and wise. I was still trying to be hip and cool in a status update. This wasn’t helping me to be true, to be real, or to connect to my heartfelt dreams.

The internet has long been a place where I ‘numb’ out and avoid the hunger pains in my everyday life. I’ve had the opportunity to spend quite a lot of time alone lately, in a place without phone or internet connection. This has helped me tune into my soul starving for true connection.

I am famished for connection with God and my soulmate. But often the loss of these things as I remember them, in their pure state, feels too painful to face. So I’d surf the net or Facebook as a way to avoid the emptiness. It was all a poor substitute for the kind of nourishing, sustaining connection I truly desire for my life.

I want to know God and my mate. I want my feet grounded in the earth, I want to feel the salt of sweat and tears on my skin and taste them in my mouth. I want to be present in this body and feel my own heart. I want to feel the spirit and soul of the people in my life. Most often I want to look into your eyes when I share with you.

In my alone time much is happening. I feel there is an integration occurring, of all that has happened in my past three years, and I am opening up to what is to come. I am becoming more and more sensitive to where my life feels empty and what my soul truly desires. The beauty of having more tolerance and openness to my empty feelings, my aches and lows, is that I want less and less to fill them up with false connections and fairy floss. Instead of ‘lollypop love’ I want to love in a way that is grounded in a joy, which comes from embracing my passions here and now. I want a love that lives when I look others straight in the eye, being and accepting exactly who I am in that moment and encouraging them to do the same.

So in tribute to grounded joy and nourishing our souls I plan to start weekly ‘Live from the Heart’ posts – sharing things I see that inspire me to live from the heart, to dream big and be creative. There are so many people who do this bravely out there in the world, but there are also those who do it in the quiet of their own lives. I want to share some of that good stuff here!

To start us off (in a small way):

This post from Emily which reminds me that, no matter what your day job – when you live from your heart you make art.

This song that I often sing goofily to my man…

And this note written by Sienna, aged 6. Sienna’s mum came home from work one night to find it on her bed.

[1] Nostalgia no longer feels comforting or comfortable to me. When I really sat with my nostalgia I learned a lot about what it meant. Now my nostalgia says to me ‘I want to go back to a time that I thought was better or when I felt better or safer’. My next questions then involve ‘Why did I feel they were better?’ ‘What don’t I like about myself or what’s happening in my life now?’

If I live in nostalgia, I live in a place where I’m not loving or living fully in my present. When I go deep into what my nostalgia is about and resolve these things then I can look back easily and with fondness but I no longer have this burning sort of longing for times better or brighter. In the past nostalgia has helped me to avoid unresolved grief, conflict not dealt with in my present and fear of embracing my life in the present.

[2] We called it Fairy Floss when I was a kid so I’m keeping with my cultural idiom in the text! But for those overseas its also known as cotton candy or candy floss. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cotton_candy

[3] I make no claims as a nutritionist here only as a reforming sugar addict… so I hope I’m ‘nutritionally correct’! …maybe one of you raw foodies reading can help me out on accuracy??

To Blog or Not to Blog….

**** For those interested in links mentioned in last weekend seminar and/ or ways to ask specific questions of myself or AJ, details are found at the end of this post *****

As I sit down to write there are many posts half written in my drafts box and yet none of them seem destined for completion. To be honest my heart feels heavy for other things. There is unfinished business between me and this blog, between me and my life and it is this ‘business’ that beckons me to words.

I started this blog sort of against my better judgement, or more accurately in spite of my greatest fears (which I used to call my better judgement!). I was inspired one afternoon after processing some fear that a blog was something that would be good for me to create. I had been praying heavily for weeks about becoming more authentic with those around me, and for the courage to share my heart more freely. When the idea came to me it filled me with such terror that I filed it in the recesses of my mind and labelled it ‘desire based upon error’. For a day I couldn’t even tell AJ (which is completely unheard of since there is barely a thought for either one of us that isn’t shared with the other). But the idea kept bugging me, it wouldn’t leave me alone and eventually I broke down and told AJ “I feel like I’m being inspired to blog about my experiences, but I know that is just a crazy idea, I just can’t figure out what injury is driving me…”

Of course when he gently smiled at me and said “I think that could be a good idea” I lost it even more. There was no way I could put my deepest feelings onto the internet. Because that is what a blog would mean… what good would it be if I shared half-heartedly? No, to do this would mean sharing all of my heart.

But then words just came, and made themselves into stories of me. I wrote my heart without much thought or revision.

After that more words came but I still didn’t think I could do it. I closed my journal and told myself that these words weren’t good words and that they couldn’t be shared.

Eventually the words won out and I put them here. I was still afraid but I opened my heart. In the past nine months, so many of you have welcomed my offerings. I feel so humbled by the love and encouragement you have poured over me. I can honestly say I didn’t anticipate it and I am grateful. Lots of times I still hold my breath when I click ‘post’ because I’m still struggling to love myself enough to honor my journey and my story no matter how others think or feel. Lately the comments I receive here have come in equal quantities. The hateful quotient of messages has risen to meet your grace-filled ones. I know that this is occurring because I still carry the injury that it is an offense to say plainly what I feel.

The reason I’m writing today is that I feel that somehow those nasty comments and the people who seem to circle our lives like vultures, always picking and implying and vilifying, seem to be winning in drowning out my voice. All my drafts are unfinished because my soul is fearing the hurt more than loving the process of writing and healing. Instead of grieving my injury and receiving the Truth that God wants me to own my experience, I am questioning my words and second guessing my own meanings. Meanings that God knows and sees are earnest. I question because I am afraid of being perceived as something I’m not and this is a vile affliction. I feel it sicken my belly and tighten up my sinew. For how can I grow to all I can be, how can I shed my inhibitions, and find a clear, strong voice, if I always seek first the approval of those who do not love? Surely someday, God, I will learn to seek your appreciation first? That I would learn to measure my worth in terms of Love and Truth and not in accolade or criticism from those who do not treasure these things as I strive to.

It’s true that at times I feel tired. My bones get weary and I just need to cry and feel like giving up for a while. But as always, after my rainclouds pass, I find God has renewed me. Once again I remember Love and Truth and the reason I love life so much.

The truth is I am on this journey because I love God so much and I want to know Him. It is like there is a vast, open valley inside my chest that longs to be filled with the Ocean of God’s Love. I have tried to live my life in avoidance of who I am. I tried to be just Mary Luck and not Mary Magdalene and it was crushing – I literally felt that my soul was drowning in denial. I have had to grieve (and rage) that I could never grow closer to God unless I allowed all of who I am, as much as that scared me. I’d be lying to say that there weren’t some days when I just plain wish I could live a life with a faith and belief system that others accepted and allowed me to be considered ‘normal’. Many days I do wish it, but I don’t wish it enough to sacrifice myself or my mate or God or the love that grows in my heart. These things are the best and most rewarding things I have ever known and I cannot let them die in order to placate my fears and please other people.

I write today because I need to remind myself. Instead of letting darkness and cruelty win in drowning my voice and my passion for God and growth, I need reminding of how truly magnificent God is and how His Love does sustain me.

Let me say in prefix to what I am about to state, that I don’t feel the need to spend loads of time justifying what I write or how I live my life. These are my choices. I know that God will not let me hide from the error in my ways or heart, nor will he overlook what love grows and motivates me from within. There is no hiding a heart from God. After what feels like a long search, that one Truth has the power to reassure and comfort me. I am content that by trusting Him, in humility, I will eternally grow. However in saying that, I do think its worth stating a few things, for the sake of explanation, about what I write and what happens here on the blog.

I made a commitment some time ago not to publish comments on this blog that were attacking, condescending, cruel or insincere. The internet is a medium so often used as a vehicle for people to be cruel and sadly it seems that when people can be anonymous and/or avoid face to face communication they find it easier to be unloving[1]. I personally believe in taking responsibility for myself, my feelings and being transparent and open. This is always my endeavor in any type of communication. I will not support others to be cruel either to myself or others and I believe there are other places on the internet dedicated to attacking Jesus and I. I don’t intend to create another! I happily publish comments that are sincere, questioning, reflective and/or appreciative. If you are anonymous and attacking, it won’t get published. It’s that simple. If you want to ask me a sincere question that doesn’t insult my ability to critically think and feel, please go ahead and I’d be happy to answer. (more about questions later…)

I have been accused of controlling the free will of others because I publish my feelings about things that happen in our life as it unfolds. I guess the best thing I can say about that is that comments like these reflect a poor understanding of the concept of free will. If I were to berate or bully others into editing their comments or beliefs about me (or any other thing) then I would indeed be attempting to impose upon their free will. By sharing the true events in my life and my feelings about things as they happen, I am merely reflecting my experience. This is simply an expression of my will. (Interestingly, people who try to bully me into not sharing my feelings and accuse me of affecting the free will of others as a way of pressuring me to shut up, are in effect trying to stop me using my will).

From time to time I mention my parents or people from my past in these posts. I am very sure that I only ever do so in order to honestly and accurately convey my process, and my emotions. It is in context of my story and not meant in any way to reflect theirs. I do not have the desire to blame, attack or in any way make a nasty point when I refer to others.

In our society it is very taboo to mention ones parents in anything other than glowing terms. The problem with such a culture is that it supports a conspiracy of denial of actual harm that has been done to us. This is especially difficult for those who have been physically and sexually abused by their parents. But it also applies to others of us, like me, where no such extreme treatment was endured, but a set of emotional contracts was set up in order that we would be ‘loved’.

Yes, I was injured by my parents. My parents also had parents who injured them, and these, my grandparents where also harmed by their parents. Anything a child receives that is not love will injure them. So it is inevitable that in a world, so injured in love, that we inherit injuries from the environment we exist in, most especially the people who raise us. It is an unfortunate fact that doesn’t go away when we ignore it. In fact I believe it makes it worse. A splinter ignored and denied can only fester and sting until it works its way out.

I certainly have compassion for the suffering around me. I know my parents did what they thought was right when I was a child, and in many cases tried not to repeat the pain of their own childhoods. My stating the truth about the multi-generational infection and injury that exists not just in my family but every family on the planet at this time is not out of judgement or blame. It is simply because I do not believe that one can heal an injured perception of love unless one first acknowledges that it is injured. I believe that sometime, some generation needs to stop passing on hate and hurt and instead turn around and face what has been coming down the line. We need to face the Truth that what we currently call love is not love but an injured mutation of it, simply so that it will stop happening and we may heal.

Stating and facing the truth of the pain in our pasts is the opposite of blaming, since to truly face the pain we must face that it is now within us, and only we have the power to heal it. But the crucial first step always remains acknowledging the truth. We cannot heal what we deny. No, if we want to heal, as I do, we must be brave enough to face what is inside of us as a result of this ‘injured substance often called love’ that we received. We must name it for what it is so that we can open to the pain of it and make room for God’s Truth to enter us. Once we have done this, we are healed, and we will not pass on this same love injury to others. This journey begins with facing the truth. I write as I face the truths of my past and as I grieve them. I write them only because they are a part of my story and I am learning, ever so slowly, to honor my story above the projections of others.

I am humbly aware God’s Truth may be different from ‘my truth’ or ‘my parents’ truth’. I also know that I can only find God’s Truth if I am prepared to relinquish my truth. And believe me I am down there amongst it, sucking back on many of my own errors (that I have held as ‘truths’) and praying to let them go.

When I began this journey I wanted dearly to hold onto my parents’ truth as The Truth. It took a lot of effort to face the pain that it wasn’t and be willing to change. But I did it because their ‘truth’ superimposed on my life was hurting me and holding me back.

The difference between my parents and I, is that I am in the midst of a process of giving up strongly held beliefs and emotions that have limited my life. Beliefs that I wanted to hold as truths because it felt so disorientating and painful letting them go. In the end though, to receive God’s Love and Truth I had to willing to give them up. My parents have not entered into such a process. I do not condemn them for this; in fact I know how difficult, challenging and confronting it is. I do not in anyway expect them to revise their beliefs or share my own.

I do not condemn them for not walking this Path, but I do not accept their attempts to control me in my desire to do so. And this is something which they have been attempting to do, quite vigorously, for quite sometime.

This is not a ‘me’ vs ‘them’ scenario. To me, it is about any of us, should we decide we want God, coming to accept God’s Truth and having the humility to be shown that Truth, whatever that is. None of us can blindly hold onto ‘No, I didn’t hurt my kids’, nor can we live in blame and avoidance of our own demands and addictions that may have caused us to be a spoiled brat, and expect to know God.

To heal we must find God’s Truth, definitive. I don’t proclaim to know it all but I do know that I’m the process of re-discovering it.

I’m writing today because the words stopped coming. I felt bullied by the darkness and pushed to forget what is most important to me. I have a long career as a ‘people pleaser’ and I know that my demons today are evidence of how much I still care about how others perceive me. I’m making progress but it still hurts to be misunderstood and maligned. I have been praying for a while because there are more words, even deeper and more personal, that have begun to tug on me to be written and shared. They are words about my first century life, about God. They want to tell you about my pain but also my increasing joy and passion. My body is heavy with posts, not yet at full term, about using the internet as a place to nurture and speaking out for Truth and Love. I know that the reason these words are not yet here is because my better judgement… uh hem.. I mean my deepest fears still rule in this regard. So I’m asking God to give me courage about the next phase in this space.

Before I go I wanted to invite you, especially those of you who I haven’t yet met in person, to send me any question you may have about me, Jesus, our life, the teachings, or yes, even Lady Gaga!! It’s for something new we are working on… I can’t guarantee that all questions will be answered but there is a small team of others who will do their best to have it so. Just pop questions in an email to mary@divinetruth.com. (Obviously keep in mind the same general principles about commenting apply to questions).

Also here are the youtube links mentioned in the seminar on the weekend…

Contradictions in Bible

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB3g6mXLEKk

Contradictions about God

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOfjkl-3SNE&feature=relmfu

God’s Actions

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGkgmU9vG_o&feature=related

With love and many thanks for your listening heart,